Lois, You describe my W and how she has felt about her father all her life perfectly! The thing is, when she found someone who DID love her unconditionally (or very close to it) in me, it felt like something was missing. She didn't have to "prove" herself to me in order for me to love and accept her. Without the "rejection" side of the equation, the love side just didn't "feel" right to her. Hence her telling me B-day that I should have "made" her do this or that. She talks about her "best" memories of her father being when he "made" her do things with him. This is why when her father suddenly wanted her back in his life, but on HIS terms (no husband and family in the way), it drove her to depression! Now, she has "earned" her fathers love by doing what he says he wants her to do..and that "feels" right to her. Wow.
MM, Remember when I told you that detaching and dropping the rope only works when you do it for you. I know you want to think that you are doing it for you but every time you post you post things that show you aren't doing it for you but to get him to notice and react! Just the last post where you said "This weekend was the first time he reacted by pursuing...". MM, this tells us that you are detaching to get a reaction from him. How he reacts makes zero difference! You aren't doing this in hopes he will see the light. You must do this for you and only you! Don't say you only posted that because you wanted to tell us what you saw. You saw it and posted it because YOU WERE LOOKING FOR IT! The whole "I'm an addict" thing is a cop out! I could just as easily say I was "addicted to my W" as say I loved her. The fact that you really believe he will do the "right thing" in the end, that he would "never" cut you out of the business, etc. says that you aren't seeing things the way they truly are! The fact that you are so concerned about how he may see what you do or are so worried what is the "right" thing to say or do tells us that you aren't detaching for you. You can say it's "only" been 3 weeks but MM, it's been a lot longer than that since things went south.
You have to understand just what "standing" means. It doesn't mean that you keep hoping and praying that he see's the light. It means that While you detach, GAL, drop the rope, etc. you leave an opening for if and when they may be ready to make a real effort. If you don't stop looking for a sign that he is there he NEVER will be! It will take a long time for him to get there and until you truly do the work FOR YOU, the clock won't even start on when that time MAY come! We see a guy who has hurt you, used you, showed you zero respect. He has openly talked about wanting other women (RE agent, dog walker), made excuse after excuse as to why he "can't" make ANY effort in your R and you validate by saying all the stress he is under or all the stuff on his plate. None of those mean a thing! There will ALWAYS be reasons why he "can't" until he wants to. As hard as it is to accept, he just doesn't want a R with you. That isn't going to change until something changes.
You reveal your subconscious in what you post here. You show what lies beneath by what you say. You must drop the hope that he will turn around just because you have detached (somewhat) for 3 weeks. You MUST stop worrying about every interaction. You must stop making excuses for him by talking about all the stress he is under or that he "wants fun in his life" but just can't seem to allow himself any. That's his chit, that's his problem. You don't know how frustrating it is when we read you defending him! Stop analyzing him! Stop looking behind you to see if he noticed this or that or how he reacted to you! Your life is still revolving around this man! I work with other people. I don't think about them when I'm not at work. If you can't detach while working with him you need to stop. If you must stay as you say than you MUST stop any and all interaction with him other than what is absolutely necessary!
Please don't just dismiss what I'm saying or tell me how well you have detached the last 3 weeks. We know you feel that you have. What we are trying to do here is point out that you may think you have more than you really have. You are heading for a fall, MM. You must let go! If you don't I can tell you without question that he is going to do something that you never thought he would and you won't be ready. He is not the person he was before B-day and he never will be again. There is a slight chance he may be able to come through and be a better person, one that you MAY want back in your life but that will take a great deal of time if it ever happens at all. MM, I stand to what I posted long ago...you need to become the best MM you can be, for YOU! What a guy who has done all the things he has, has acted the way he has, who is the person he is now thinks about you is meaningless! Until you can (honestly) say what he thinks of you is totally meaningless to you. Has no more merit than what some bum in the street thinks, you will be stuck in this dance with your ex!
