I wanted to check in because I'm completely frustrated right now and I'm not sure how to handle these types of situations.
Things have been somewhat better overall since my H has moved back home, but the arguments we have (or the ones he has been having with me lately) have been very intense and I'm having a lot of trouble handling them. He gets upset at the slightest thing, blows up and takes it out on me, saying things like he's leaving, or he's not going to deal with me kicking him out, etc. I haven't brought up anything remotely resembling that he should leave. I feel like anything I say can be turned into something else and twisted into something I didn't say, and once again he's angry at me.
Since he's been back home, things have slowly returned to 'almost normal' in other ways, in that we're spending our free time together, very nice to each other, joking around like always and still hand holding and hugging like we always did before. I've tried to look at any troubling situations from my perspective / my part only, not lash out, walk away from potential arguments, and just keep things calm if possible. I've already walked away a couple of times, letting him know we could discuss it again once we're calm.
However, we've already had two blow ups where I say something he doesn't like the sound of (last night it was 'don't yell, please') and he goes off the deep end and continues to yell louder. This happened last week where he practically had a meltdown over something I said. It was a small comment re: a disagreement we had, and he thought I was intimating something I wasn't. I had no time to explain it, he just launched into a tirade about how he's not dealing with this from me, putting up with X or Y, etc. I ended up apologizing, simply so he wouldn't have a complete coronary. It felt horrible, and I had no idea how to make it stop aside from taking the blame.
Each time he gets angry lately, he goes from 0-80 in no time at all, and then brings up the idea that I kicked him out, he's not putting up with anything from me, etc. Now, everything I do when he starts to get set off seems subject to a blow up from him where he goes on a litany of things I'm doing to him (which I'm honestly not). At the time he's spewing all of this, it seems like a complete overreaction but I can't say that, so I try and keep things calm as possible. The issue for me is, because he feels so justified in his anger, everything is now my fault and there's no accountability for his acting insanely.
I've taken extreme measures to not react, and to walk away as soon as I'm able to when things get heated. (I'm really working on this, because I've never been good at it). So far I've been able to at least lessen the intensity from my end, by walking away or refusing to fight. But these blow ups where I'm getting screamed at are unacceptable to me, and me trying to draw a line seems to end in more anger from his end. I don't know how to deal with it.
Last week he decided just before we were supposed to leave for our flight on a 3 day trip that he wasn't going, and that I could go alone. He had just finished yelling at the top of his lungs at me, and we were in the car so I couldn't get away from it. It felt horrible hearing him yell and really rattled me. My first instinct was to argue back, but then did my best to compose myself, later apologized for my part and asked him to join me on the trip (once he calmed down). The trip went really well, and I was mindful of how things were the entire time, and how I was behaving, etc. I know he's sensitive right now, and I just wanted peace so I acquiesced.
Last night something small (a disagreement) turned into where he started to yell again and I asked him to stop, which only made him more angry. It wouldn't stop, and in a last attempt to get him to stop, I finally said something like "there needs to be some rules here" - probably poor phrasing but it kept me from getting more angry at the time and saying something I might regret.
He asked what those rules were, and I started to say "that you not yell at me". Before I could finish, he said he was leaving, screw this, you're not doing this to me, I'm tired of your threats, and that I wasn't going to do this to him again, kicking him out, rules, etc. I tried to calmly say I wasn't kicking him out, but that he needed him to stop yelling or just let me out of the car. His response (which is familiar to me by now) was "I'm done. I'm leaving, but it will be on my terms when I'm ready" and started to yell again for me to stop talking. It was unreal. I asked again for him to let me out of the car, because it was the only foreseeable way I could get out of the situation tactfully, and in a way where I wasn't stuck in the car while he continued to yell...he eventually let me out 2 miles from our house in a huff. He came back to get me after I called a few min later, and was still argumentative when I got back in the car.
I normally would have kept arguing but I stopped talking so as not to make it worse.
I'm not perfect, and it's true I still have a lot of work to do on me. Still, he never seems to see any of his part in anything. Yes I can be a jerk. Oftentimes I'm wrong. We have a long way to go and I wasn't innocent in our last huge upset where he left for 2 weeks. I still own that, and I'm working on my anger and my reactions and how I make him feel. But when can I actually say, "This is a limit of mine and you're crossing it..." - never? Not right now? It's like I'm on eternal probation, where everything I say or do is subject to scrutiny (and justifiable yelling).
I know we have a long period of rebuilding ahead and I'm not out of the woods. But does that mean he can't ever be held accountable when he's out of control and hurting me? I'm confused as to how to handle all of this, and I don't like being yelled at. It freaks me out and it makes things seem much more out of control.
I'm tired of all of this diffusing his anger. His leaving and moving out had an impact on me too. I feel like he gets to act however he likes, yet I'm always wrong and should apologize so that things can resume. The issue with that is, it makes me feel beat down and that I'm not being heard. He can draw all the lines as to what he'll accept and what he won't, but I just put up with whatever he dishes out to me out of anger?
If anyone has insight they can share, I'd love to hear it.
