#33: HOLDING my ground... my self value

[LoisB]

MM,

This is my story:

I had a very emotionally unavailable dad. He was/is very intimidating and put a lot of pressure on me to be perfect.

My mom is a recovering alcoholic and was emotionally unavailable, for the most part, until she got sober when I was 8. She was sexually abused as a kid by her father and has some serious issues with men. She saw men as necessary for her survival...literally. She can't imagine being alone without a man to take care of her.

My dad had serial affairs when I was a kid. I depended on his love but he was unavailable and very rejecting and scary.

For me = the thrill of chasing my dad's love and approval became my drug...when he looked in my direction and gave me Atta Boy's...I felt complete. It was a high to get the attention from someone so distant and unavailable. I began chasing his love from a very young age.

Grandpa left my Grandma for her secretary.

Dad left my mom (he said because of her weight problem) when I was in middle school...he left for his young, skinny secretary.

Within two years both parents were remarried. My mom found a very abusive, angry man...mentally ill in my opinion. She became addicted to making him BETTER. It never happened. My mom lost herself and made this man her mission. She was determined to SAVE him in order to avoid another divorce and the humiliation.

He is still, to some extent, her mission in life. He always came first...before me and my siblings.

One angry night, I escaped our home after physical abuse from stepdad and I moved in with Smokey the next day. He was to be my savior. He was perfect...a good-hearted substance abuser who adored me and gave me "love"...in reality what he duplicated was the pursue/distance routine that I was used to with my dad. He never gave himself to me completely...he couldn't...he was an addict and that was his one true love. I spent the next 20+ years trying to prevent him leaving me like my dad. He emotionally abused me and kept me hanging on by a string for decades. I put him first and neglected the needs of our daughters-in some respects-- in order to "keep him happy."

Rejection to me = Love. The pursuit and fantasies associated with reconciliation and the possibility of attaining the unattainable...for me...that high I feel when I get him back...he is sorry and beholding and comes back to me...All very sick and very dependent on the actions of someone else.

I never learned to fill myself up with love. I never experienced the necessary "soft place to land" kinda love you're supposed to get from your parents...I came up with my own sick version of getting whatever crumbs/cookies I could from men who could never truly love me unconditionally.

It wasn't my fault. It was what I was used to. We learn best what we learn first.

How I use this information and self-awareness is important now. My addiction was slowly killing me and driving me to a very dark place.

Now, I see the damaging pattern. I see that I've continued to put my wounders (My dad, Smokey) on pedestals and waited for them to see the light...It's time to stop.

Bottom Line: Your EXBF treats you badly. He is NOT necessary for your survival. He is NOT FOOD. He could be distanced. You choose to keep your high nearby...It leaves you lost in a fantasy and dependent on the actions of HIM for YOUR happiness.

You CAN Fill yourself up with YOURSELF...it will require some serious action on your part.

I know you will get support here on the boards.

But, enough of the B.S. Time to face up to the truth. You don't want to let him go. You refuse to.