Woke up feeling really insecure and unsure about things with H. Just feeling down in general and unsure about my feelings towards him. Made myself get up and go for a run and that helped some but not much. Decided that I should work on getting back in shape (I’ve gained back much of the weight I lost on the LBS weight loss plan) and the thought of having a personal goal made me feel a bit better. Journaled a bit, which also helped some. Then drove into work and happened to meet up with H in the parking lot. He was going to drop off a few of the kids things in my car and we just happened to arrive at the exact same time. We ended up chatting a bit.
I’m not sure what it was but despite my initial negative mood this morning I was able to just be really light, casual and chatty with him. Maybe the few things I did to try to alter my mood helped just enough to get me mentally in the right space. I complained a bit about work (I think actually that maybe contributing to the decline in my mood, I think I do worse during the work week) and he was very receptive and a good listener. In the past when I’ve complained about something like work I’ve always felt like it didn’t go over too well but I think the difference this time is I wasn’t super cranky or attitude or taking my work problems OUT on him. Just chatting. It was really nice. He has a lot of big changes going on at his work as well, he promised to update me later. I got a lot of smiles from him. His smiles are really expressive and mean a lot to me. I felt very much we were in the ‘good relationship’ zone and both really enjoying our little interaction. I love when we have these times, even if very brief. I need to figure out exactly how to keep them going!
The other thing I need to figure out is how to deal with getting over the affair. I feel like the aftermath is constantly looming and dragging me down. In a lot of ways it feels like the pain and insecurity is getting worse rather than better. I feel like as a self protection I really minimized things in my mind initially, and now I’m realizing that this was WAY bigger than what I initially tried to convince myself. Just the fact that it is taking him so long to get over her is proof – he admitted the other day that while his feelings are declining he still thinks of her. I think the first step is getting through discussing the transparency plan. I am thinking of suggesting to H that I email the remainder to him and then we can set aside time to discuss. By emailing it might take away some of the risk of initial bad reactions (from either of us). I am learning that H really needs time to process things. His initial reactions aren’t always what I would ideally want but he tends to come around. This approach might mitigate that dynamic so he has a chance to digest and I won’t be tempted to start immediately reacting badly if he doesn’t wholeheartedly agree 100% to every item instantly.
Other than discussing the transparency plan I’m not sure what else we should be doing at this point regarding dealing with the affair? We had discussed some details previously (when/how it started, how long it lasted, how they carried it out --- txts, email, phone, meeting in hotels when he went to her office for work, once at her house). I know some folks really get into asking all sorts of details but I don’t seem to be one of them. I have asked some really pointed questions and inevitability it just hurts me terribly and haunts me so I stopped. But I worry/wonder if there’s more I *should* know? I really prefer to move forward but worried I am making a mistake. Thoughts?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
