Oh Julie. You are paying h's way? I'm saying this with love-NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
I remember after BD, I told h we would now share costs 50/50 for bills. The look on his face was incredulous. He said," that's ridiculous- you make more money than me." As you and I have both learned on this board (and it can be a difficult pill to swallow), it's not your job to teach your h life lessons. Life WILL so that. However, you should always take care of you and the kids financially. H is a big boy and needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. He is obviously focused on himself while you have a family to take care of.
I think separating finances is the right thing to do. You can do it:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
^^^^^^^^^^Listen to Georgia and your Attorney. You don't need to pay for his crisis AND take care of your special needs son AND be abused while doing it.
You can do this Julie. Start with the finances.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Pbetra- mone is an issue here as well. We still have joint account that all bills come out of. H has been playing more and working less so contributing minimally. Each paycheck I move a chunk into a separate account to be sure we don't fall short at end of month.
Why do you keep giving him money? What would happen if you said no?
juliegayle H indirectly gets money as needs (utilities) are paid automatically through an account. I have to get food for household - there is no other way at the moment. H saves by staying here. I loaned the money recently b/cause I did not want an upset in my child's life ... AGAIN. Last major event re: child was only a year ago (& had a few prior). After finally beginning to settle, the MLC occured.
The 'cash' has NOT been going on regularly. Last request was a few months ago - this was a quick fix to appease sitch as child had school tests (new school, new home too). Did not not want the 'fall out' carried to school & back again, so I loaned $$ to keep the home equilibrum until summer (school out a week ago). With Summer, I can asccess sitch and provide buffer for child if needed. This was the reason for my recent query - trying to objectively evaluate ... p.
oh I made a joke w/child a few months ago. I was joking about sending dad off to sort things out. This was after child's observations re dad & overall sitch - child's response was controlled but with obvious discomfort & fear. The lack of stability seems to be too much at this point
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
^^^^^^^^^^Listen to Georgia and your Attorney. You don't need to pay for his crisis AND take care of your special needs son AND be abused while doing it. Well put LoisB!
Matt 165 - you gave me an idea r:e how to approach, 'confront' the sitch. I had been wondering how to deal/w - thank you! It IS harder when they live at home.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
I realize that if anything in my life was truly rewritten I might not be where I am at the moment. While I could do without the pain there are thung I would not have wanted to live without namely my s and ss19 and ss15.
So are you saying that you regret marrying him or just the outcome of the last few years?
Quote:
I have been working alone and with therapist to forgive and let go of the past. That includes forgiving myself for a lot. I am becoming happy and confidant again.
From what I've seen so far, I would agree with that, in all aspects. The reason you feel in a no-man's land is just because you haven't figured out the picture yet. Don't worry, it will come.
Is it helpful to let go of the past (life-raft) so you can jump to the future (raft)? Of course. If it was easy, wouldn't everyone do it though?
For me, I found that breaking things into smaller chunks helped. So for example, if I needed to work on a particular thing to let go of or forgive, whether of my ex or myself or anyone, then I focused no that one thing. If I felt like I never put down roots for example, I would have to sit with that, and only that one item until I could resolve it and let it float away. Then to the next item I didn't forgive myself for or otherwise regretted. Pick one and only one at a time. Start with smaller and "easier" items that are piled on. Deal with each for as long as it takes. But once done, be done with it. Then take the next one down and so on...
<shrug> That worked for me. Your mileage may vary of course, but it is one approach.
HTH, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
