Sounds like you had a good time at the canoe ride and at the concert with H.
A few things to bring up here for discussion.
Originally Posted By: mdu
First, I realized how many times he has gone to see this band and never invited me. It really made me feel badly and made me feel a bit frustrated that H seems to point the finger at me quite a bit that we are 'disconnected' yet really, he hasn't made much effort himself in years. He has said that was because sometimes we would go out and argue so he stopped wanting to plan dates. And while that did happen it was really quite rare.
I am not sure about being a rare occurrence since it has been posted here that you blow up at H. It is an issue and you really, really need to be mindful of HOW your thoughts influence your actions/words.
Second, H and his older son drank quite a lot at the concert. H wasn't sloppy drunk or anything but somehow it took me a bit by surprise and I didn't especially like it. He does drink on occasion and I've never had a huge issue with it. Now for some reason I'm wondering if he actually drinks more than I realize. I'm not really sure what to make of my feelings. Obviously, H is a grown adult and can drink if he wants. Maybe it's that controlling side of me that's getting set off?
Not so much controlling as being overly judgmental for something that is a way for H to bond and have fun at an event with his W and son and DIL. Where do those thoughts come from? Was it a learned behavior? Something to do with your FOO issues?
Sometimes our FOO issues spill over in the marital R.
Finally, H and I made love when we got back to the house. I actually was not that into it initially, which worried me a bit. I was able to get into it but not nearly as much as other times we've done it recently. I don't know if it was the things above that were on my mind or if it was simply exhaustion (we got home at 4am), or both. I worried a bit because very infrequent sex was a big issue for us, primarily driven by my low interest. I hope this was just a little dip as opposed to a downward spiral.
There will be times when sex isn't what we all expect. We all have had those moments. Nothing to worry about unless it is an ongoing problem which I don't think it appears to be in your case here.
Just thinking some more about my feelings/concerns regarding H last night, particularly around the drinking. And realizing how judgemental and critical I can be of him.
Can you imagine how that must have made H feel? Very inadequate around you. What can you do to change those thoughts? How can you influence your interactions with H that are much more relaxing and positive-oriented?
I think I need to think about whether I CAN accept him as is and if I can't then instead of trying to control/change him then move on! I don't really want to move on but I do think I need to change my perspective on aspects of H that sometimes bug me.
What are you really looking for? The perfect partner without any inherent flaws? Then go and date Santa Claus!!
Our spouses will ALWAYS have their own quirks and idiosyncrasies. It is up to us to learn to accept them and not resist them for it is futile to do so. By accepting them, then it will all wash over you and even laugh at them at times.
