One giant leap forward! - Part 10

[sandi2]

Good to hear from you. I've missed ya!

[T1000]

Hello!

It's been a long time since I was here. Over 3 months. A lot has happened and in another way not much has happened.

I've been thinking about posting on here recently on and off. Tbh I've never committed enough time to one side to just do it. I think I'm here today as I'm going through another tough time in a similar fashion.

My girlfriend and I have been together since the end of November. I could see she was falling for me February time. In March I couldn't hold it in any longer and I told her that I loved her and she was over the moon and said the same, we have been in love ever since and she tends to stay at mine 3 times a week.

She is great with my little boys and they love her to bits. I've had a tough time with W that has been a tough ride for GF.

I've had my bouts of retroactive jealousy and some bouts of plain old insecurity. Some of it share with her and some I don't. I read a book last month about retroactive jealousy and it helped a lot.

She went out to a concert with her female friend on Friday and then went to a few bars before getting home early morning. The concert was great and she had a good night.

After I got back last night after dropping the kids off she said she had to tell me something. She said she kissed a guy. I asked what happened. Apparently he cornered her as she came out the toilets. She told him no but he pesisted. He tried again and she said no. Third time he tried it she kissed him for a few seconds.
I was gutted!!!

I asked why, she said she didn't know. Then she said she thinks it was the attention.
It was like sledgehammer to my head. I'm doing the same stuff I did in my marriage!
Is it just me and my personality? Do I just get so lazy that I stop giving the attention a woman needs?

I flew off the handle, I said some harsh things out of anger.

It seems that I care and look after them. I'm told I'm good in the bedroom but I don't make them feel wanted.

The wierd thing is (and threw this at her last night), she had just ranted on Facebook last week about people cheating (a few of her friends have been recently cheated on) and that she has been so against it for as long as I've known her.

She said she was digusted with herself.

I told her I would take her home but she said her friend was coming for her.

I asked if she wanted us to be over and she replied with "How can we come back from this?" I didn't reply I was too angry.

I appreciate her being honest. As hard as it is I feel like I am responsible for a good amount of it. I do NOT condone it in anyway but how many times is lightening gonna strike before I really look in the mirror. It's been a mixture of me not showing the affection she needs and stress from my relationship with W. It's definitely taken it's toll on her. She nearly left 2 weeks ago after W got nasty. She got very upset and didn't think she could handle it all. She brought this up again last night.

She text me late last night "I'm really sorry for hurting you like that xx"

Today I sent "I'm still in shock. Do you want us to finish?"


In regards W and I it has been up and down (quite bloody far down). She wants 6 times the equity in the house! The divorce in rolling on and we are currently getting on.
I'm learning to not fight her. If she changes my days with boys i roll with it the best I can. Otherwise we end up battling and egtting nowhere. I don't have any power until custody is sorted out after the divorce is finalized.

Last week someone asked me how I was doing and I said:
"Not too bad actually. The sun's out, loving the new car. GF is great and I have the kids this weekend. W and I currently have a truce too."

I was in a good place even though GF wasn't.

I would love some words of wisdom on this one peeps. Seems like this where I come when I'm stuck.

[T1000]

Another thing that makes this fairly strange for me is she always going on about how good a boyfriend I am, how lucky she is to have me etc etc.


Just typing that ^^^ I'm coming to the realiaztion thats probably what she wanted to hear from me.

[labug]

T-WTH?

First, think about your kids. They "love her to bits" and now she may be out of their lives.

You said some very insightful things up there, heed them. While I'm sure you have your part, there are women who don't go out, have a few drinks and start kissing other men.

Slow down.

It's good to hear from you, I've wondered what you were up to and I'm glad your boys are well.

[T1000]

Hi Bug,

You are correct, I'm a little frantic today, my decision on where it goes won't be.

The thing is she claims she has never stepped out on a relationship. It has been done to her much worse and she has been an advocate of people being faithful.
Even if we are watching something on TV and it starts happening to a character she is quite vocal.
I don't believe it's in her nature.
She seemed pretty stunned by the whole thing.
She sent me: There's a lot we need to talk about. I've been thinking a lot since I got home about what possessed me to do it and I feel like I've got some explaining to do
I honestly don't know if she is setting herself up with an "out" or not. Time will tell.


The last thing I want to do is end it. If she does though I'm not sure how much
I'm willing to fight for it after the betrayal. I cannot condone the behaviour.

The boys are doing very well thanks. Now S4 has finally got the grips of potty training he's like a different child, I think it was holding him back mentally. Other than the odd meltdown you would never know he was autistic.

[labug]

So, do you want to be constantly worried when she goes out from now on?

I don't believe it's in her nature.

She does have it in her nature.

This is how we get into bad Rs, we start making excuses for them because we don't think we're worth more.

Remember the M you're still trying to get out of? You don't need another insecure, needy person in your life. You have kids who are needy (because kids are supposed to be needy) and they need you.

You have no stake in this, you don't have children together, you aren't married to her. I get that you feel love for her but love should be reciprocal.

You're dating, and dating is the time where you find out if the other person is someone you want in your life long term...or not.

She's given you a very clear signal.

[T1000]

I'm confused
You say:
First, think about your kids. They "love her to bits" and now she may be out of their lives.

Which to me means don't be so rash to let her go.

Then you say it's a clear signal that I should.


I don't see the difference between possibly being worried about that or being worried about my W walking away again.

I can remember when I was 18 and I was dating a girl. This other girl that I fancied for years beforehand came on to me after we had both been drinking. For a split second I reciprocated the kiss. Does that mean it's in my nature? I guess it does.

I've now known GF longer now than I had before W moved in and we got engaged.
She does love me, she tells me a few times a day. I feel it when I'm with her.
I've never met anyone like her.
If we got married a month ago wouldn't I be told to buckle down, forgive and make it work?

Maybe I need to flesh out what came before a bit more.

She has been there when W has said I can't have the kids. She was there when W accused me of child abuse and threatned to ring the police. She was there when W wanted play happy families by using the kids (even longer story). She was there when W said that I had been sleeping with W behind GF's back. Then I managed to get W to retract that but took the opportunity to bad mouth me.
This ^^^ plus me not giving her what she needs in an R would take it's toll on anyone.
There are no excuses for what has happened but it's no walk in the park either.

[labug]

I see I was unclear, thanks for giving me the opportunity to clarify. What I meant was slow down in the future, don't introduce people to your kids until you're sure, but I guess you thought you were sure.

I'd think very slowly and clearly about where you want to go with this and why you're in this position. Don't you deserve better?

If you were a new member and had been married for a month and she did this, I don't think I'd even respond to the post. Definite red flag.

It's not a walk in the park, believe me, I know. You have to think of you and your kids and what's best for your family.

She's shown you a bit of her character, what you do with that is up to you.

[labug]

When I posted to you in the past it was about you getting to a place where you felt strong and in control of you. That your W, no matter what she did, could only control you if you let her.

Don't lose that T, the strong in control of his life T, the one with good boundaries.

((( )))

[T1000]

I was sure.

I do deserve better than what has happened, definitely.
It could be argued that she did. Not many would take on the baggage my W represents.

Something that I think about is, what if this is the worse that is ever going happen?
I could get in another R in a years time and she is a serial adulterer.

If it was sex I wouldn't even be contemplating it.

I will hear her out before I start to decide whats next.