I know what you are saying (i'm havin trouble sorting thru allllllll of everything in life and getting to the bottom - some resolution or resignation or ANSWER) i HAVE always treasured my solitude and alone-time alot. (why i understood h wanting some alone-ness too) (he was raised totally alone- all the time- ALLL ALONE) SO to him- that's probably more "naturral" way to be.
I was raised in a nutty house full of people- i scrounged around for a little privacy and loved it - BUT you could always walk into the kitchen and find people to goof around with.
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It isn't the same as pushing people away, or refusing to engage. Living alone and liking it is so hard initially, and then suddenly it becomes delightful. It stops being a burden and becomes a blessing.
I am 50-50 on this. When i find myself too complascent alone - i fight it- the preferring to be alone. I begin to feel selfish and like it will make me be come rigid, and wanting my own way alll the time. no kidding- i do see it in me sometimes) Having people around, to have to get along with, moderates that - even in day to day life- i don't want to be someone that 'CAN'T function with others in a household - it's keeps me flexible and willing to let the other guy "live" too. kind of thing- i can see change in me- my mom and everyone i know is getting/got more "inflexible" in our oldish age - (i'm 63) - i want to fight it all the way.
I'd just prefer to have it all. (oh cripes - i sound like my h - saying he "could have it all"- see, this is what being by self too much is doing to me) (that darn human nature) I like it when I want it- and i don't want it when i don't. (if this was just about me) I know we don't get everything we want all the time - however - - - I am feeling like it's being shoved on me a bit much.` (it got to be controlling me rather than me controlling it) (I am less nice about things being rammed down my throat. my scrappy side appears and says - "HEY - Knock it off you jerk!") I started this all - the two houses - tho, in all honesty- when i did, i really needed to get some space of my own. it has backfired most stupendouusly - and then of course- lots of junk has happened in last several years that has changed EVERYTHING in the world.
i'm not takin responsibility for alll of it- i'm just part of the mix - it's all mashed into our faces tho- no escaping real life - sheesh...
I am a different person now (beg.2008 - change central) from participating & looking so closeup at other people winding out their life's end (last five years or so) - my sister was only 57 - my mom 89, h's dad 84, his step mom 83, his aunt 89 - self inflicted & not. I can't shut off the compassion because someone "brought it on themselves" - i can't even bring myself to say it. how self-righteous can people be? nobody "deserves" to suffer - it may be part of life- but "deserve" lonliness? pain, fear? unhappiness, illness - no way man- i'm thinking we're all just human being doing the best we can- who among us is completely addiction free? (addicted to "love" (me) - addicted to cigarettes? alcohol? coffee? work?you name it - we allll have something (imho)
I'm sorting thru me, people, life & trying to figure something out here - oh geeez -
(made me think of H saying a couple times he's "teaching me a lesson" - who in the world says stuff like THAT? it's insane - what does it mean - i don't even know what the heck he's trying to "teach me" - no clear explanation - i sure don't think i'm "learning" it- . ) what is going on in his head - he can't articulate my transgression - him being the "teacher"??? A bit too much self-appreciation there? or what
I am gettin tossed around here - life, people, reality- tragedy- their "stuff" on my (used to be placid ) little lake of life - me in my little boat wondering wtf... most of the time.
- I am a guy that is all "out there" - almost any one is welcome into my life, house, stuff, thoughts, soul- it's not locked up tight down inside. and you know what - and welcome to it. I don't have or want secrets and intrigue. It's not that i think people really care all that much about my secrets or anyone's but their own. But i don't care anyway- i'd rather just be me, with all of my "selfness?" or "junk" on the surface. not boiling beneath and out of sight. we've all got it all - I'm like my garden - a huge colorful giant mess all blooming like mad next to a busy street - no color coordination here - giant blobs of this and that all mixed up - up there in the sun, right on top of the stems and leaves and dirt. Everyone can see it and welcome to it if you are interested - and pick a bouquet to take home - it's fine with me. . - that's my "life".
did that make sense? i wanna feel free to be just who i am. I'm becoming seriously bummed by getting negative feedback & junk and the info that i need to force myself into some other molds to please others. (who find me "inconvenient?" at present. ) i'm not sure what it is-
H is like when you get down below the flower tops - to the soil - it's dark and hidden - (and full of worms and icky stuff) maybe that is all crucial - idk it's alllllll locked up tight & hidden , strictly doled out and kept under lock and key. he has trouble "sharing" his lair, his insides, his feelings. me, if you don't TELL ME, i don't know. (well, i used to intuit stuff with people - now, i'm done reading minds).
I can be okay with the person inside of me- cheesy as it sounds, she does try and do the right thing - and she does find purpose in helping or caring for others. It's not just that i want to be anyone's "savior" - it's what people are supposed to be - help each other if you can-
i just do measure who i am a bit, by what and who is going on around me - and my "place" in that mix. it adds waaay more dimension to my life - just "all about me" gets mighty boring. this isn't what you're saying - is it?
it's hard to explain- i get lost and tangled up (i'm sure you can tell huh?) . i am fighting hard to maintain self here - it's not good enough to be self alone (IT'S easy to be self when no one else has to be considered) BUT - it's being self IN THE MIX. i can , i feel, manage to still be cognizant of others and all this "stuff" with h and everyone - and be me too - one doesn't have to exclude the others -
that being said - (i think that's h's mlc in a nutshell? he thinks in order to be HIM, he's got to NOT BE what he was to or with me? kind of thing- did that make sense? he thinks he's got to be a "loner" to be him- but he doesn't see he is an amazingly "attached" person and neeeeeeds others more than me even. (kind of thing) he fights attachment tho- just can't bring himself to dive in - always been so. maybe it is him and i'm not letting him just be that? al though -he picked me and spent almost 40 years immersed in me-land??? wtf....
why in the world does being attached to someone in a sigfnificant way - necessarily mean you lose who you are? there's room for both - right?-
so, do i just sound like a rambling nutball here? wierdly enough- i feel like a "strong" person and that I am who and what i am without the need for anhyone to give me permission. YET- i feel stressed about my inability to "get along" with the world these days and i see my inate "crowd pleaser-ness" . i know, opposites
i need to go tidy the house before i explode my own head from over-thinking it all. untidy head, untidy house, untidy r's, etc.....
seeee - my "addiction". when i feel "loved" - i feel like it's allll okay i life and no matter what i am, it's allll okay. when i'm not- then i feel the reverse. what the hck does that make me? narcissistic? masochistic, insecure - i don't even care. i want to feel like me and "even" again- oh yeah- let me throw in- when i'm with someone, spending time- i don't need a cellphone, tv, book, whatever. i can be "there" with them. i'm a bit tired in life of people all jacked around and hooked to technology- where are their minds - who are these people??? the humanity- the contact?
fishout of water? idk- i'm outta here- oddly okay tho- so don't be thinking i'm plunging off some edge this morning. i'm in a oddly not-bad place for all this stinking analysis of me. it's a bore- ? i'm a simple guy wanting the si mple pleasures back- i refuse to accept that this is what the world, r, etc. HAVE TO BE NOW-
