Struggling with Boundaries

[AJM]

Hmm.. easier if they move out vs. staying? It's been my experience that proximity isn't really relevant in how YOU feel. That's more about wanting a "conclusion" or a decision so you can "move on" but the proximity doesn't make a lot of difference to be honest. Detachment from the outcome of what happens is what makes the difference. The rest is really just a distraction.

Just so you know.

AJ

[pbetra]

Yes, your sitch is different in that regard juliegayle - you shouldn't leave your home (& you didn't start this anyway!)

Hopefully, he would leave at some point. Take care of yourself in the meantime (we all need to be healthy & strong (!!) to deal with this 'whirling nest of unknowns' ... )
p

[juliegayle]

Thanks AJ and Pbetra

I just did an activity a little while ago that is supposed to train your brain to overwrite negative experiences. You meditate on a recent bad experience ( I chose h giving me a big F you today ) so while thinking about that experience you filter in positive memories and memories of times you felt how you wished you had felt in that moment.

For example. I thought about h tickling and cuddling s and the glow s gets when he sees h. Then I thought about a time I felt really powerful and confidant. In the end I was able to file away the incident today with very neutral feelings about it.

IdK... I am open to trying anything to get me where I want to be.

[pbetra]

Hmm.. easier if they move out vs. staying? It's been my experience that proximity isn't really relevant in how YOU feel. That's more about wanting a "conclusion" or a decision so you can "move on" but the proximity doesn't make a lot of difference to be honest. Detachment from the outcome of what happens is what makes the difference. The rest is really just a distraction.

Just so you know.

AJ

Hi AJM,

I just came to try to send my reply to Juliegayle (again) - it didn't post earlier today - now I see that you also posted - just about a minute earlier! Wished I had seen before

This is certainly Food for thought for me as I have read juliegayle's posts and feel like her on so many occasions! Thx.

It just feels that way to me. Y

Example - not long ago, I experienced 'the usual':
> was ignored as if invisible.
> The going & coming continued with no respect ... no sense of courtesy as we all know with mlc.
> The feeling of directed detesting ...
> avoidance as if I'm a leper ...

But then - the warmth overflows !! ???
> pleasantries began, the chattiness ...
> a casual light touch or 2 or 3 ...
> followed by (drum roll pls ) the casual mention of a loan "until (some) checks came in"
(no doubt for the next opp. to 'meat market OWmn').
So the pendulum experience makes me feel like 'go somewhere', leave me alone so that I can get on with my goals, my GAL

The friendliness can continue to the next day. It feels like overkill to me - all this in addition to being used for everything else. I'm NOT in the mood for the farce, but 'comply' to keep the 'equilibrum within the home' (as I cannot act in haste & think of my child).

I would prefer feeling like the leper (already established anyway),
then - asked/$$, then give the loan & go on until H figures out what he needs to. Why would I want him here? The song & dance is toxic.

re: your post
>> Detachment from the outcome of what happens is what makes the difference. The rest is really just a distraction.<<

So if I can detach (further!!) from the song & dance (the distraction), I wouldn't feel the way I do! Will work on that after being treated nicely because of some pending agenda(s).

Thanks for pointing it out - juliegayle? More to contemplate!

[pbetra]

Thanks AJ and Pbetra

I just did an activity a little while ago that is supposed to train your brain to overwrite negative experiences. ...
IdK... I am open to trying anything to get me where I want to be.

I know you'll get there juliegalyle (as will I ).

[juliegayle]

So I have been thinking a lot about AJ's earlier post about writing the future instead of rewrites to the past. My first response was to say I was just kidding but there is always some truth in jokes.

I realize that if anything in my life was truly rewritten I might not be where I am at the moment. While I could do without the pain there are thung I would not have wanted to live without namely my s and ss19 and ss15.

I have been thinking over the past 10 months and working toward being the woman I want to be. Simply I want to be a person who lives with grace and gratitude. I spent too long holding grudges and wanting something other than what I had. I spent too long not thinking I was good enough.. good enough mother, wife, person.

I have been working alone and with therapist to forgive and let go of the past. That includes forgiving myself for a lot. I am becoming happy and confidant again.

However when I picture the me I am becoming she kind of exists in no man land. I always picture s with me but that's about it. Where am I living? At the moment I feel trapped. I moved here with h and never really built a life here. I always worked around h schedule so one of us could be with s. H always said that when step kids graduated we could move back North. I always lived like my life was on hold. Now I have to figure out how to put down roots in a place I have lived on the surface of for 12 years.

Then there is the career. I fell into a job to pay the bills always thinking I would get back to my career but ended up staying for 10 years. I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do but haven't nailed it down yet.

Relationship? Not the time to be going there.

[juliegayle]

Pbetra- mone is an issue here as well. We still have joint account that all bills come out of. H has been playing more and working less so contributing minimally. Each paycheck I move a chunk into a separate account to be sure we don't fall short at end of month.

Why do you keep giving him money? What would happen if you said no?

[Matt165]

Hi Julie,
Just wanted to say that my W lived at home for a year post B-day. All it did was make things harder. Every time she was nice I would see some hope but then she would just do another awful thing. So, even when things weren't "horrible" they were because I knew the other show was about to drop! The rest of the she was acting like every MLCer....you know what that's like!

He needs to go. He also needs to think it was his idea TO go! About 6 months in from B-day I told her enough was enough and asked her to go. Of course, she said no! I really think if I could have convinced her that I WANTED her to leave, she would have stayed! The trick is making it so they want to leave but still think it's their idea. I'm sure you can think of ways to make it harder for him to stay then go. Maybe at this point it's time for you to start doing just that.

Just a thought!

[juliegayle]

Matt

You are so right. He will absolutely not do anything unless he thinks it was his idea.

My attny thinks he will be gone in a flash if I completely separated finances. He would have to find someone else to pay his way or else actually work more.

[Lifes Twists]

HI julie,

I agree with both matt and your L. If you are basically paying his way anyway, I would separate the finances. I have learned the lesson about how quickly an MLCer can trash their finances as well as others. If that is a way to get him to come up with the idea to move out, then it is an easy way for you to get to where you need to be right now. Look at it like this, when you were young was it easier to dump a boyfriend or easier to convince him to dump you?