Trying to find my way

[pilot]

It has only been a few weeks. You got to where you are over a few years. It will not change this quickly. But keep at it and be consistent with your changes and he will notice!

[Meghan]

Thanks, Pilot.

I'm definitely in this for the long haul and I do expect this to take a long time. Everything I've read has suggested that these last four months are pretty negligible in terms of the overall time required to heal this kind of thing, let along the few weeks of active DB, GAL, and 180s. I have four years of his hurt to overcome, after all.

I'm actually finding the self-discovery process motivating, as difficult as the whole situation is. There are things that I still do more for him than for me, but it seems to be shifting in my favour all the time. My goal is really to become a better version of me - less anxious, more outgoing, more assertive, and better able to take care of herself - and that's going to take time, too, both for me to accomplish and for him to see.

I'm really trying to take the marathon analogy to heart. I wish I could convey it to H. as well - he's expressed frustration that things haven't changed and aren't better yet - but it really has been a relatively short period of time. My hope is that making these small changes consistently, like you suggest, he'll notice them soon and they'll start helping.

[csilvr]

Hi Meghan,

I am brand new to this forum. I have been reading your posts and we have some similarities in our situation.

This is such a roller coaster ride. I too am trying to detach and GAL. Going out with my girlfriend tonight... better to get out that wallow at home.

Sending you my support... It's great to have people share ideas and suggestions.

Take care

[Meghan]

Journaling: Tonight turned into an exercise in validating. We were out for a run and H. talked about a project he was working on and some remote jobs he was applying for, so I just kept listening, asking questions, and validating his experiences.

While we were out. H. dropped his phone, cracking the screen. He was frustrated, so I validated that being frustrating, despite the fact that he's now talking about getting a new and better phone (this is challenging for me because the one he dropped still works fine, is less than a year old, and I feel like he has money to pay for this kind of thing largely because I've been paying most of the bills). He said he'd do it first thing if he got a new job, which I said sounded reasonable, but it was hard not point out that perhaps he should start paying rent or some of the other bills first. Unfortunately, he's also been snippy with me off and on in really short waves since then.

I had another DB realisation, although it came a bit late to do anything with this time. H. was making part of dinner, and I asked if he wanted some help, which is what I usually do (multiple things have to happen at the same time, and it's much easier with two people). We were almost done when I wondered if maybe I should stop helping as a 180.

Plus, if I come in to help out with some of the few things that he does to make dinner, I wonder if I'm invalidating his attempts or stepping on his toes in one of the few areas where he actually feels like he's able to contribute something. Now that I think of it, he's mentioned before that even when he's doing something like making pasta for dinner, at some point I'll usually come in and finish up. I've always seen it as helping, but I should probably try to lay off on that. It's possible that this makes him feel unappreciated or like he isn't capable of doing something on his own.

Okay, so now I'm worrying that helping with dinner was a mistake and was annoying for him (particularly after the phone) and that it will negatively affect his perceptions of me as he's preparing to leave. Must remember that I have no control over how he feels and try not to be so hard on myself.

[Maybell]

Don't be so hard on yourself! Learning this stuff takes time. You can't be expected to eat the elephant all at one sitting.

Just stick these understandings in your pocket for when you can use them. And remember, it's not all about him. Your needs count too.

[Meghan]

I have found it's been getting a bit easier - once I know what to expect and how to react, it's easier to keep calm and do what I need to do the next time. The list of 180s and ways to respond that work is growing all the time, and it's comforting to have some established ways of dealing with a situation.

[CS000]

Meghan, you have to understand that no matter what you do it may upset/anger/bother him regardless of your intentions. He's going to focus on the negative which makes it easier to validate to himself the reasons why he wants to leave the M (at least for now). Just keep going, you'll get there.

[Meghan]

Thanks, CSan - that's an excellent point, and one that I tend to forget.

I have an anxiety problem at the best of times, and I tend to try to stay in control. I've been trying to notice and predict his reactions so I can manage things, but it's just not possible to have control over how someone else feels, and I'm working on letting go of that (clearly more successfully at some times than at others).

I keep forgetting your point about validating himself, too - that he's really just looking for any and all justifications for how he's feeling, and there are so many well-intentioned things that can be easily twisted to fit into his current narrative.

[Meghan]

H. leaves for his vacation Tuesday morning. I'd love some thoughts about what I should or shouldn't do when he goes, if anyone has advice. I'll try to be specific about questions.

I'm going to try my best not to cry, but I don't know that I can make any guarantees. When we were dating, I'd cry every time one of use left the other. This feels worse. Tips for not crying are welcome.

I know I shouldn't say anything to him about hoping that he decides to save our relationship. I think I'm just going to tell him that I hope that he has a great time and leave it at that.

Do I walk him out to the cab, or stay in the apartment? I'd probably normally walk him out, but I suspect that might increase the chances of me crying.

We haven't hugged or kissed in four months. Should I go for a brief hug or kiss, or do I let him take the lead? I want him to remember that he cares for me and what we've shared, but am concerned that hugging or kissing would annoy him just as he leaves since he's said he doesn't want things like that from me right now.

Do I ask him to let me know when he gets there, or just let him get in touch with me when he's ready? He won't have cell service until he gets a new card for his phone.

Should I ask him to give my love to his family, or just leave it be for now?

Any suggestions about what would be good or not would be hugely appreciated. I'm not sure what to expect and I feel like going in with at least a bit of a plan would be helpful.

[CS000]

H. leaves for his vacation Tuesday morning. I'd love some thoughts about what I should or shouldn't do when he goes, if anyone has advice. I'll try to be specific about questions.

I'm going to try my best not to cry, but I don't know that I can make any guarantees. When we were dating, I'd cry every time one of use left the other. This feels worse. Tips for not crying are welcome.
[/color] I would try to get the crying out before hand as much as possible.
I know I shouldn't say anything to him about hoping that he decides to save our relationship. I think I'm just going to tell him that I hope that he has a great time and leave it at that.
[color:#000099] Yes just leave it at that and to the question below I would not walk him to the cab.
Do I walk him out to the cab, or stay in the apartment? I'd probably normally walk him out, but I suspect that might increase the chances of me crying.

We haven't hugged or kissed in four months. Should I go for a brief hug or kiss, or do I let him take the lead? I want him to remember that he cares for me and what we've shared, but am concerned that hugging or kissing would annoy him just as he leaves since he's said he doesn't want things like that from me right now.
[color:#000099][/color]Definitely let him lead and just let him contact you when he's ready. I know it sounds hard but you can't behave like it was PreDB. I hope it goes well and you have the strength in you!
Do I ask him to let me know when he gets there, or just let him get in touch with me when he's ready? He won't have cell service until he gets a new card for his phone.

Should I ask him to give my love to his family, or just leave it be for now?

Any suggestions about what would be good or not would be hugely appreciated. I'm not sure what to expect and I feel like going in with at least a bit of a plan would be helpful.