Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: Tonight turned into an exercise in validating. We were out for a run and H. talked about a project he was working on and some remote jobs he was applying for, so I just kept listening, asking questions, and validating his experiences.

While we were out. H. dropped his phone, cracking the screen. He was frustrated, so I validated that being frustrating, despite the fact that he's now talking about getting a new and better phone (this is challenging for me because the one he dropped still works fine, is less than a year old, and I feel like he has money to pay for this kind of thing largely because I've been paying most of the bills). He said he'd do it first thing if he got a new job, which I said sounded reasonable, but it was hard not point out that perhaps he should start paying rent or some of the other bills first. Unfortunately, he's also been snippy with me off and on in really short waves since then.

I had another DB realisation, although it came a bit late to do anything with this time. H. was making part of dinner, and I asked if he wanted some help, which is what I usually do (multiple things have to happen at the same time, and it's much easier with two people). We were almost done when I wondered if maybe I should stop helping as a 180.

Plus, if I come in to help out with some of the few things that he does to make dinner, I wonder if I'm invalidating his attempts or stepping on his toes in one of the few areas where he actually feels like he's able to contribute something. Now that I think of it, he's mentioned before that even when he's doing something like making pasta for dinner, at some point I'll usually come in and finish up. I've always seen it as helping, but I should probably try to lay off on that. It's possible that this makes him feel unappreciated or like he isn't capable of doing something on his own.

Okay, so now I'm worrying that helping with dinner was a mistake and was annoying for him (particularly after the phone) and that it will negatively affect his perceptions of me as he's preparing to leave. Must remember that I have no control over how he feels and try not to be so hard on myself.