Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt 3

[MrBond]

"I have stopped being judgemental and she said herself she will never speak to another guy again and how wrong it was."

I can't stress enough that these are just the initial feelings. They will fade and things will go right back to the way things were because you haven't changed.

"I personally dont have a problem her speaking to guys however, as long as ive met them aandspoken to them."

Perfect example. That's controlling.

Are you actually going to go to counseling for yourself and then MC? If not, you might as well kiss your M goodbye. You need a roadmap and I have a feeling you're still looking for the easy way out.

No, change that. You ARE looking for the easy way out.

[1Wish]

But what if mc doesnt help and why is it that i have to change everything and she doesnt change anything?

[Maybell]

1) MC WON'T help if you aren't willing to change.

2) no one said she didn't need to change. But she's not here. You are. You can't change her. You can change yourself.

3) would you rather be right or be happy?

You've been here a very long time to still be asking these same questions.

[Barrybran]

But what if mc doesnt help and why is it that i have to change everything and she doesnt change anything?

Looks like you need to read those books again. Maybell is right in that your wife needs to change too. You CAN'T control that. You can only control yourself. Remember the part about how your and your wife's actions are interrelated? Where your action prompts her action which prompts your action and so on? It spoke of changing your action, as the thing you CAN control, to break the negative cycle and bring about a different response from your wife. Your wife is not interested in changing. You can change that attitude, over time, by changing your actions, by being a better person.

You should also go back to the section about having a beginner's mind. You need to ask yourself what MC could do for you rather than what if it fails. This doesn't apply just to MC but everything in your life. Focus on what you could get out of an action or an experience instead of dismissing it and not trying it. The meditation argument was a classic example. MrBond suggested you try it and instead of finding out where you could do it or what it could do for you, you shut it down. If you try to find the possibilities in life your life will change for the better and people, including your wife, will respond to you more favourably.

[Wonka]

1Wish,

There's two different things: MC and IC.

IC is something you can control because it focuses on YOU and your patterns. You either decide to go or not to go. It is all up to you and on you alone.

MC is something that BOTH parties must agree to. Is there an agreement right there with W? If your W doesn't want to go, then that's that. This is the real crux of this discussion.

[MrBond]

"But what if mc doesnt help and why is it that i have to change everything and she doesnt change anything?"

Wow you have changed. I have a feeling this is probably going to be your last post, so I hope you read this.

If you read DB/DR (which you said you did but evidently didn't learn anything) you should know that you can't change another person. But you can make yourself a better man so that she wants to be better with you.

From what I've seen you don't want to change and think you're perfect. Regardless of the relationship with you and your W, if you don't change, you will ALWAYS have people leaving you because you will be the same.

Whether or not you think you're a total prize and don't need to change, that's up to you. But the last perfect man that was on the Earth could walk on water. Can you?

[pilot]

[quote=MrBondBut the last perfect man that was on the Earth could walk on water. Can you?[/quote]

Chill the water to less than 32 degrees F and I can

[1Wish]

Ok so ive been sourcing different ic'ers and theres on down the road from me. Im going to go on wednesday and ive started meditating as well.

I do want this to work and she has agreed to go ic as she already does but she doesnt want to go to mc as shes soon to quit the ic herself.

She keeps telling me to quit smoking and i am.. ok thats a lie.. its effing difficult. Job and wife stress me out and i cant just tell her its her. To be honest i have taken measures such as getting nicorette inhalers and what not. Have cut down to be honest and it does feel good emotionally.

Still doing the gym and have notice gains on the body and she said now when you get big and ripped your going to think your the sh!t and be cocky and confident. All these girls are going to look at you and you at them. I hope you enjoy it.. you disgust me.. i didnt say or do anything for her to think that she keeps referring to my past and how i was when i first met her.

[Barrybran]

Progress! Finally! Baby steps but positive ones nonetheless. Remember, this is about you and not her. Keep it up

[MrBond]

"She keeps telling me to quit smoking and i am.. ok thats a lie.. its effing difficult. Job and wife stress me out and i cant just tell her its her."

She's not the reason why you smoke.

"Still doing the gym and have notice gains on the body and she said now when you get big and ripped your going to think your the sh!t and be cocky and confident. All these girls are going to look at you and you at them. I hope you enjoy it.. you disgust me.. i didnt say or do anything for her to think that she keeps referring to my past and how i was when i first met her."

That part of you still comes out. Even in your posts.