Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today's been okay, so far. I caught myself wallowing this morning, and forced myself to GAL and get out for a bike ride. I took the opportunity to do some shopping and bought myself some new make-up, which I haven't done in years. I even asked one of the nice ladies there for help choosing something flattering, and I look rather pretty, if I do say so myself.

I spent the afternoon tidying and decluttering the apartment a bit - tough work, but it feels like it's helping me to get my head on a bit straighter. A cluttered environment is supposed to exacerbate a cluttered mind, or something like that. I got in a bit of reading and also spent some time talking to a friend was very reassuring about some recent revelations about the relationship and about me.

It's becoming clear that I have a lot of work to do on and for myself in order to increase my opportunities for future happiness. In particular, I'm not at all assertive or inclined to ask for what I need because I'm scared of the outcome. I try to keep people happy all the time and often hedge whenever I have to say something I don't want to. Ultimately, this has led to a situation where my needs weren't met (although neither were his) and I'm still feeling a good deal of resentment. Definitely something to bring up in IC.

H. seems to be in a reasonable mood again today. I've noticed he's grumpiest when he gets up, so I've stopped asking him "how's it going" when he first emerges as part of my 180s. He's still not initiating conversations - by voice or IM - as much as I'm used to, but he's talking somewhat more and seems to be a bit less snappy. Given how let down I've been by apparent changes over the past few weeks, though, I'm still trying to not read too much into this or to interpret where it's coming from and what it means.