After BD he told me that he hated when I called him to "complain" about s and mentioned that particular day as an example of my weakness and inability to "handle" s properly.
Memories like that make me hate him and miss him terribly at the same time. This s@cks.
That does suck. But something to remember - this is how he feels right now. It's fluid. What you describe is what a partner would do - support one another. What he is saying now is how he feels at the moment. But even to a casual observer, what he's saying now is not realistic. At the time he was either too weak to voice his feelings or he is re-writing history.
Personally, I don't find it very mature to blame somebody for something that happened in the distant past. Something we did because at the time we felt it was the right thing to do. We blame somebody for the past because we're angry about something else.
What you displayed was appropriate to the situation from what I see. What he did was appropriate for his role and feelings at the time. What he is saying now has a root in reality, but that's about it..
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I remember one time standing on the side of the road crying to h while s raged in the car. I didn't expect him to do anything. I just wanted emotional support from someone who I thought loved me and was also the only other person in the world who cared about s as much as I did. When I got home that day he gave me a big hug and let me cry and took over with s for the rest of the night.
Been there, done that. It's so much easier with a partner who understands and supports you. Reach out here Julie. There are lots of moms and dads of special needs here. We get how hard it is. Really. But, believe me, I know how hard it is to have the support and, then, poof, it's gone. Smokey was always a little wishy-washy with his support, but it was better than nothing.
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After BD he told me that he hated when I called him to "complain" about s and mentioned that particular day as an example of my weakness and inability to "handle" s properly.
Nothing worse then hearing how something you experienced as a sign of your love, get used against you when it suits him. It's not fair. He's digging Julie...and, he's having to dig deep to find fault...take it as a compliment. Seriously, who criticizes a mom dealing with a meltdown? Not me.
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Memories like that make me hate him and miss him terribly at the same time. This s@cks.
Yes it does, but you can rebuild support system outside of him. It's not what you wanted...I know, me either. But, you can find women and men, like myself, who understand.
Does your friend on this trip understand the stress of the car ride? Will you get something of a break when you get there?
Be kind to yourself.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
AJ.. I'd only I could rewrite my life as easily as he does. I would be thinner, taller. . I could write in some vacation property on Nantucket. ..
Just because it isn't easy, doesn't mean you can't WRITE your story the way you want. The trick is to not RE-write the past, but rather spend your time influencing the future.
Re-writing is for those that can't deal with it. They often eventually come back to reality if they are not doomed to a life of nuttiness
Don't want to change the past. Change the future, Juliegayle.
Want to know a secret? Do you know what women with straight hair usually want? Or men with "less than white shirts" want?
Seems we always want what we don't have, JG. But in my experience, I've always found that people that are the most attractive (after the initial hello in some cases) are those that are happy with themselves. Confidence shines through and it's very attractive. Always has been.
I remember joking with my son a while back when we looked at a magazine at the grocery store. The headline was about women that wanted to get plastic surgery. One was tall, one was short and one wasn't. Otherwise, they all looked exactly alike. They were competing for some game show or other.
I joked with him that if one got this done, and that one got that done, they would all look alike. They all had blonde hair, same makeup, same clothes etc. So I asked him, what would make them unique if they were all the same? If they were all a stunning 10 on the playboy scale, all had blonde hair, all were the same size, all were the same weight, etc....
What would make them unique to a potential partner?
The same holds true for men. If they all look alike, what makes them different?
Seems we all want to be different, but we want to be different like everyone else
I guess your post struck me, JG. What I'm trying to get across is that rather than wanting to re-write your history as your H did (as my ex did; as many ex's here do) it may be better to embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly of it. All of it.
I think you'll see what I mean.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
To stand or not to stand... to take a stand or not to take a stand.
As far as standing it is getting harder. He is getting more enmeshed in life with OW and her daughter and just generally meaner.
Today I decided to take a stand about 2 things. 1. He lives in same house but comes and goes as he pleases. H is always asking if dad is coming home and I never know what to tell him. H pucks up s m w and f from camp. I know we won't see him on t th. It is the week end that really causes a lot of anxiety. I asked h to set a weekend schedule or at least let me know what to tell s. He got mad and said I was trying to control him..
2. The mlc dog. H has made it clear that this is not my dog. I am not supposed to do anything for him or love him. Obviously that is not possible when h is gone for 48 or more hours at a time. Again I asked if we could work out a system for the dog because it is hard to walk him with s. More hatefully comments and "shut up" from h.
I really feel it would be so much easier if he moved out.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
AJ. I have a lot of ideas percolating since I read your post. I want to respond when I can think more clearly than I can during the presentation vacay cleaning bonanza.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
To stand or not to stand... to take a stand or not to take a stand.
As far as standing it is getting harder. He is getting more enmeshed in life with OW and her daughter and just generally meaner.
Today I decided to take a stand about 2 things. 1. He lives in same house but comes and goes as he pleases. ... if we could work out a system for the dog because it is hard to walk him with s. More hatefully comments and "shut up" from h. I really feel it would be so much easier if he moved out.
Well put juliegayle, I can really relate. I feel the same way.
The roller coaster rides as H lives under the same roof. How to cope with it. I feel so used ... the using of my resources until he finds a replacement - a 'younger model' since my warranty has expired. I am moving in the GAL direction - I can feel it, but H can feel like a weight at times! One doesn't spend 15 years with someone, & then casually will themselves to do what they need to, & "voila!" it's all ok. The inner workings churn & hurt - and more so when the mlcer is with you, ocassionally sucking you in to their confusion, when you do cross paths ... just because they are there & NOT somewhere else!!!
I see what the reaction of your own H was on being confronted, as you tried with other boundaries. I agree w/you>> feel it would be so much easier if he moved out << , Frankly it must be! What a dream !!! But I guess we have to wait it out a little longer as advised so many times. The 'patience factor'. Try a little longer but not at your expense of your peace of mind of course - if you can't for much longer or up to a certain point, you have to preserve your sanity. I wish I could advise you better, but there are others who have been here longer and they would be able to direct you at that time. Until such time, I am thinking/feeling (!) for you. Take care juliegayle p.
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Not really sure how I would proceed anyway. I do not want to leave my home and the attny said I couldn't make him leave. I suggested it to him a few times and he said he would. ..eventually.
As I type he is actually moving his turtle tank out to the "turtle sitter" while we are both away on separate vacation. Maybe this is the first step of him leaving.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
since my warranty has expired. 
One doesn't spend 15 years with someone, & then casually will themselves to do what they need to, &