Do I tell him all I know?

[GoatGal]

Sonas:
"I live in a damp cottage, a little isolated, with no curtains (only cows can look in) and I also relayed information about getting logs (no central heating) in the winter, and mentioned that i might look into getting an alarm because it could be a bit scary when the kids were out and I was alone. And yes, this just made him feel more guilty..."


We are "SISTERS"!!!!

Glad to know there are other pioneer women out there!

[sonas]

Oh god I needed that so much GoatGal, will read and re read!!

As long as he knows he can count on you to be there no matter what, he will feel confident in his "explorations".

How do I let him know that he cannot 'count on me to be there no matter what'???

Afraid of your 4 x 2 GG so here goes:
My best qualities as a person (not a wife):

Happy outlook on life (usually!!), always smiling (people I meet always seem to comment on this).

Easygoing, don't get stressed about things.

Like to get things done.

Kind.

Always want to help others and enjoy doing it so much.

Private.

Love comedy, sense of humour, laughing.

Intelligent.

Independent.

Self suffient.

Quirky style.

I think I look good. Way back at BD H said I was 'prettier' than her (WTF!)

Artistic.

Now I am sounding like a narcissist so am going to stop before I get carried away!!!!!!!!

Will read your post again later GG for encouragement, thanks, best get back to work now!!

[sonas]

Thanks Pilot,
Will try harder...............

[GoatGal]

There you go!

I see you pulled up short at the end for fear of sounding "narcissistic".
This is where you're SUPPOSED to toot your own horn.

Tell me MORE!

Like how you heat the house with wood all winter...
(Not easy!!)

How you are living alone in the boonies, a scenario that would have most women frightened out of their wits!

How you scare off Grizzly Bears with just the sound of your voice!


So you're TOUGH.

And you raised (did you say 5?) children.

Those are all things he can't take ever away from you, and the things you need to build on from here on out.

Sounds like you have a lot to work with!


(And you wondered about asking for a burglar alarm? I thought about that too--then decided I'd just stick with a big ol' 2 x 4!)


And "How do you let him know he can't count on you to be there no matter what"?

YOU GAL, Baby!

[sonas]

Thanks GG;
Yes, I raised 4 children, still rearing the youngest two, now on my own, with my youngest, just turned 16 having low self esteem issues - H can't deal with this. I reared my H's son from the age of 5, he is 31 now. Overheard my H's mother say 'no one can love a child like his biological mother' once when S was about 6 and I was 26 - was hurt and mentioned it to H and while he was sorry that she said that he wasn't going to talk to her about it. I had on-going issues with H's mother but he never helped - conflict avoider supreme!!

Have a big wood burning stove, leave the room doors open and it eventually heats the whole cottage, running out of timber is my biggest fear in the winter!!

Never was afraid to live in the county but when my mother came to visit recently she was terrified!! And my S is too scared to stay here by himself!!!!!! But our cottage is not as remote as where you are I think, there are neighbours not too far away the village is only a mile away...........No grizzly bears here either. You mentioned Guinness on one of your posts - plenty of that where I live - any guesses??????????

We have a lovely, friendly Husky who barks for me when necessary but would make friends with any burglar given a chance.

He can't see me GAL I'm afraid and if he thinks I am this makes him happy, less guilty and more intent on doing what he is doing - while still believing that I will be there for him.............

[GoatGal]

Sonas,

Where have you been? I miss a lot of posts but realized I hadn't heard from you in a few weeks!


I hope everything's OK and the Husky didn't have to eat you because you ran out of doggy chow.

Keep us posted, OK?

Your Pal in the Boondocks,

---GGG

[GoatGal]

Hey there---you still with us?

I worry about you...

Give us an update, will you?

It would be nice to hear from you.

--GG

[sonas]

Still here GG and thanks so much for checking in on me!!!

I have been doing alot of thinking about my M and my H and where he is at. Some snooping too I have to admit - can't seem to stop, though I am doing it less and less now and my reaction to what I find out is less emotional now.

My detaching is getting better too but still not quite there yet........

I have been over to the MLC forum and have read alot there - my H has all the signs of an MLC along with most of the behaviour.

I have read all your posts over there too GG and I find it uncanny how similar your sitch is - while there are significant differences, the similarities of your sitch (and many others on the MLC forum) are weird.

I too discovered my H's profile on a few dating websites and I also set up a fake profile (complete with fake photo!). I didn't have to wait long before he messaged the 'fake' me (this was on one of the more 'innocent' dating sites (to find 'friends')and the first thing he asked was 'could we meet?'. This was without any introduction or preamble. I answered that I would like to know more about him. This led to me asking a series of questions and getting answers.........

So, apparently, his first 'wife' died (they were never married) and his second 'wife' (that would be me!) lives in another country and he is amicably separated from her (news to me - both the 'amicably' and the 'separated'!). Can you be separated from your H if no-one else knows, your 4 children, your family, your friends???????????

Anyway, it actually amused me a tiny bit, annoyed me alot, but ultimately, I just felt sorry for him. Interestingly, he never asked the 'fake' me anything about myself, he asked for more photos (not easy when the first one was fake!!) and I (fake 'I') said that he was only interested in photos and not real people and that I didn't want him sending me more messages. I had to stop, it was getting too weird..........

I have also seen his profile on a more 'risky' website, detailing his sexual preferences ('voyerism' WTF!) and I was a bit disgusted - and ashamed for him (there was even a photo!)and also very sad for him and our children. On this website he was 'not married' and had 'no kids'.

So, recently, as I posted before, he was emailing the original OW, she wants more, wants commitment (from a 'cheater'!!), wants to to have a relationship with him that he does not have to hide from his family. His answer is that 'he loves her' but 'too many people would be hurt'. Her answer is that she is being hurt and he is being hurt because they are meant to be together, they are soulmates and love each other. She does seem to think that she is 'special' and has no idea of the lies he has told her. He is very manipulative, always was a bit, but this is more extreme for him.

I can't understand why she thinks she is so special and why he doesn't just get on with it, - he is hedging his bets, cake-eating and being unbelievably selfish. Could it be fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of losing me and his family????????

She may well give in and go back to him on his terms - she is thinking about it, so I think she will and I can't work up to caring either way. In a weird way, I wish he had stayed with her so he would have to reveal his true self, he has hidden it well from her so far.

Also, a bit like you GG, it might make him understand that he is very lucky to have me!!

So, for the past few weeks, I have been thinking about lots of things:

Why is it a good idea not to let him know that I know what he is doing?

I would prefer if he knew, because in the past when I talked to him about how he was living his life, it did make him 'reflect' (and leave the OW!). He is an intelligent man, cultured - this other personae is sleezy, but he doesn't see this (I think!). If it was pointed out to him by someone he knows loves him and has his best interests at heart (without a mention of 'us' or 'the future') maybe he will 'reflect'.

So, my dilemma now;

He flies in on Saturday to an airport some distance away, has a few business meetings near the airport and is planning to come 'home' on tuesday for a week. How do I act around him, with all I know (and all he doesn't know I know!), I can 'act as if' but as I don't see him very often (with him living in another country) should I be trying to make the most of his time at home to get him to 'reflect'?

He sits at our kitchen table in front of his laptop when myself and our youngest D are a few feet away on the sofa and I know he is looking at dating websites (I know this for certain) and pictures of girls as young as his eldest daughter (24) - do I ask him to stop this, he doesn't know I know??? Don't know what to do.............


I know I am supposed to believe none of what he says and that has helped somewhat but there is one thing that always stands out to me and I have attached some significance to:

When he had decided to leave OW and before I knew about MLC and replay and all the rest (and not 'asking questions'), I asked him why he couldn't tell me he loved me. He answered very emotionally that it actually means something when he says it to me (as opposed to saying it to OWs) and that he wanted to 'reserve it'.................

GG, I have examined my M in a similar way to you and have come to similar conclusions, I was there for him but too many years of being ignored, not being listened to and not being respected made me back off. I should have tried harder I'm sure and if I knew then what I know now I would have made him feel more special in my life - I ended up focussing on my children and I am sure that he felt unappreciated - I never told him enough how much he meant to me, how much I respected him, how much I loved him (he didn't tell me these things either but it appears he needed it more than I did). I used to try to get him to talk to me about how he was feeling, but he couldn't or wouldn't open up - he was emotionally immature and I simply gave up. He told me that when his company went into liquidation he was depressed and nobody noticed - that was true because he didn't act any differently, he hid his true feelings.

I listened and validated during this time (before I even read anything about MLC), I knew he was in a bad place but had no idea just how bad it was. But I was there for him and he knew that - he knew he could talk to me but he wouldn't / couldn't and now he is a crisis..........

But hindsight is wonderful. I have grown and matured so much during this crisis, I have learned so much and would love for him to have the benefit of this but I believe that he would expect no change in our M if he came back to it - how do I convince him otherwise???

So much more to say......

I want to do what works, but am not sure if I am doing that, it feels like I am enabling him to stay in his crisis. Could that be true? From all I have read, it doesn't seem to matter too much what the LBS does or doesn't do, other than perhaps let the MLCer know that you will be there for them when they come out the other side - this I have done. It feels like enabling though.

Thanks again GG for checking in on me, it means alot!and by the way I think you are doing great, your enlightened attitude to your sitch is helping me to detach more, plus you make me laugh and I love laughing........

And yes, 'kindness' is everything to me, always was and my H was always so very kind, what he doing now is the opposite.....

I don't talk to anyone about my sitch other than the kind, thoughful, helpful people here, so thank you all.

Sorry you asked now ????????????

[GoatGal]

Wow, sonas,

What a great post.

I'm so sorry things are still crazy over there.
I keep telling myself that you can't reason with a crazy person.
And that's what our Hs have become, even if they can't see it. (Everybody with a lick of sense can spot it a mile away, however.)

As for telling him all I know, I am not going to say a word.
I'm playing my cards close to the vest--if he knows I know it will affect how he feels about me. I think my H is already ashamed enough on some level.

This would just be one more thing that he would lie about and try to hide.

Better to let him get it out of his system. He's going to anyway!

We really can't influence them much.
It bothers me that my H is carrying on---much like yours with the lies...
I was tempted to do the same; message him, ask him about his wife.

But I am 100% sure he'd say similar things, or at least, something like:
"She has a lot of problems, she is old/ugly, we grew apart, we were never in love, she was the wrong person..." Whatever. It would just be spew and we're supposed to not listen to a thing they say, right?

Well that would be filling our heads with even MORE garbage lies that they're spilling..

We both know that our Hs are lonely, trying to find someone who will make them feel the way they can't on their own.

We also know they're willing to lie and manipulate to do this.

As they say around here, LIFE will give them consequences. That's not our job.

For me, having that info is just interesting... let's me know where his head is at.

Obviously, he is still in Replay mode, although I've seen more depression/crying/emotion than ever before.
I think things are starting to hit home, and he's trying like mad to find a way to make this "work out" for him.

My prediction? IT WON'T!

Eventually, I'll be gone and when I truly am, he'll start to realize how he really messed things up. I believe that will happen for him one day. And I'm pretty sure it will be too late for us.

I really can't take much more of this insanity. I have too many people who are so much better, who don't lie to me, who value me, to put up with this.

So for now I'm just IGNORING IT.

He is a teenager in his head. He is trying to live in fantasy land. He is running from HIMSELF.

But "No matter where you go, there you are!"

Sonas, don't say a word. Just play it cool, make sure he doesn't find out that you know. Maybe one day there will be a time for honesty about it, but now certainly isn't that time.

Just be happy, upbeat, show him you're moving on and let him know what he'll be missing!


(((((Hugs to You))))))

--GGG

[GoatGal]

Ssonas,

I hope you're still around. Drop us a line and let us know how you're doing!

---GGG