Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Meghan, I'll reply more fully later, but I wanted to let you know that my H went on a trip like yours is leaving for on Tuesday. Things MAY get worse before they get better -- the trip was too hectic and tiring for him to come home ready to be a loving husband. All he wanted was to sleep and recover, which meant, to be alone.

I say this not to hurt you or add to your anxiety, but to encourage you to plan for it. You CAN do things while he's gone that will make a difference. First and most importantly, plan some GAL activities that will make you feel great. Things that dont permit you to worry about where his head is. Things that are a bit of a reach for you personally. And try to do at least one or two things with an acquaintance you don't know well but with whom you share some interests. You won't feel comfortable sharing too much about your sitch and you'll be stretching your wings at the same time. This makes it much easier to detach.

Thanks, Maybell - I've sort of been anticipating something like this. It's possible he goes and decides to work on things or decides that it's over, but it's also possible he comes back and nothing happens. I'm steeling myself for all possibilities, but I'm not sure that anticipating them or trying to realise what could happen actually has me any more prepared.

Don't worry about not talking to your h regularly. In fact, it might be easier to detach if you don't. You might even be unavailable, or available only briefly, while he's gone. This whole "deciding" business shouldn't be only on his end. Not only should he *think* he could lose you... You should actually examine what you value about the M, and what about it holds you back. This isn't so you can give up on the M, but to help you detach, and to help you understand where your own points of growth are.

I was planning on letting him do all of the contacting (except on his birthday), and trying to limit my availability a bit. This is going to be hard, but I think it's important to do. He needs the space and to sort through some things - both in terms of the relationship and just himself.

I like your point about the "deciding" not being only for him. I've been giving a lot of thought recently to what I value, what isn't working, and what would need to change on both ends for this to work. A lot of that comes down to responsibility and security. I'll probably write more on this later, but on top of that it feels like my world has become very small. It's not his fault - I let it happen - but it needs to be fixed. Happily, GAL is helping with that.