1 step forward, 1000 steps back

[mdu]

Last night was concert with H and his son and fiancé. Concert itself was a blast but there were a few moments when I paused and felt kind of confused about my feelings for H.

First, I realized how many times he has gone to see this band and never invited me. It really made me feel badly and made me feel a bit frustrated that H seems to point the finger at me quite a bit that we are 'disconnected' yet really, he hasn't made much effort himself in years. He has said that was because sometimes we would go out and argue so he stopped wanting to plan dates. And while that did happen it was really quite rare. I don't know, for some reason it seems a little unfair/lame excuse.

Second, H and his older son drank quite a lot at the concert. H wasn't sloppy drunk or anything but somehow it took me a bit by surprise and I didn't especially like it. He does drink on occasion and I've never had a huge issue with it. Now for some reason I'm wondering if he actually drinks more than I realize. I'm not really sure what to make of my feelings. Obviously, H is a grown adult and can drink if he wants. Maybe it's that controlling side of me that's getting set off? I mean obviously he made a horrible, stupid choice by having an A and alcohol in general encourages stupid choices (and the first night they hooked up they were drinking). I also have this fear that H has had a lot of secrets from me over the last few years. Like I said, I really don't know what to make of these feelings, maybe it's all just my fear running wild.

I was able to put these things aside and have a really good time. I realized I did not need to sort it all out right then and there and obviously any kind of 'talk' with H at that moment would be disasterous! So, here I am trying to think it through now.

Finally, H and I made love when we got back to the house. I actually was not that into it initially, which worried me a bit. I was able to get into it but not nearly as much as other times we've done it recently. I don't know if it was the things above that were on my mind or if it was simply exhaustion (we got home at 4am), or both. I worried a bit because very infrequent sex was a big issue for us, primarily driven by my low interest. I hope this was just a little dip as opposed to a downward spiral. I'm sure I'm worrying too much but unfortunately that's one of my many flaws!