Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Right. A few 180s, then I'm going offline to do some stuff. I've ebayed some items, and need to find a spot to get rid of some more junk. As I've mentioned before, I have a lot on my plate. W left me to resolve a freeholder dispute (if you're in the US, "freehold" is an archaic land ownership concept that other civilised former colonies have got rid of for obvious reasons. Imagine a condo board with one voting member, who does not live in the complex, who's only there to profit from the appreciation of the properties and take a cut on the maintenance fees on the sly), and only then can I renovate the apartment. It will be hell. In a weird way I'm excited because it will keep me busy. So I'm trying to clear some stuff now so I don't have to put useless stuff in storage.

Anyway. DB says this about 180s:
1. Describe what you see as the problem
2. Assess how you've been handling the problem thus far
3. Do a 180
4. Assess effect on spouse.

At this point I can only do 1-3, until I can assess the effect on spouse, obviously.

So here goes.

i) A no-brainer; it's even one of Sandi's rules. STFU, listen and validate.
1. The problem is that I did not listen to her enough, and sometimes would respond something inappropriate. Like she would be telling me something that has upset her at work, and I'd ask "so what was the color of her shoes"? Obviously exaggerated so you get my point. Also, I did not appear interested and would drift off during her stories.
2. I have been handling it by denying what I was doing, and being defensive. No prizes for guessing that's made things worse.
3. My 180 will be to carve time to actually listen to her, not jump in with solutions she doesn't want, and admit when I'm not in the mood to listen (and propose an alternative). I've started to do that near the end of the relationship, but didn't follow through with my proposed end of the bargain.

ii) Arguing small points, being a smartass
1. I have been doing that way too much in all areas of my life. It's driven her insane, and made her feel like I didn't think she was smart or had a point.
2. I have been defensive and in denial about it. I also defended this, like arguing is a part of how smart people communicate. When in fact, it only detracts from the real point of the conversation (when you pick apart side details) and make people not want to listen to you at all. It does not help a marriage.
3. When I get the urge to challenge, I'll ask a clarifying question and assume that there is something to learn. How come I can pick up a book and give it the benefit of the doubt, but not my own wife? If I was a genius, I could assume I have nothing to learn from other people, but I am not, and I need to start listening so I can become smarter as opposed to trying to prove to the world that I already am smart.

iii) Not making her feel attractive
1. She does not think I find her attractive, from the way I look at her, and comments that are not meant to be hurtful but that do not make her feel like I desire her.
2. Again, DENIAL. It's true that as her weight has fluctuated, I have been less attracted, but part of it is also the feedback loop of her not feeling attractive. I don't care about a few pounds, but her confidence, the way she dresses, changes also. And this is not down to her. She married a man to be exclusive to; I have to make her feel sexy as well. It's something that two people need to work on. It's one of those "Circular Connections" that's discussed on page 69 in DB (at least my copy, from 1992). But it takes only one to tango, so there's something that I need to do first.
3. When I saw her before I went to the music festival a couple of weeks ago, I did remark on her new jeans that fit her well. I think that was probably too soon and chasing. I will need to let my eyes do the talking. Next time I see her, because I haven't seen her for a while, I know she will look as beautiful as ever. I can keep my mouth shut, but I have to make sure that my eyes do the talking.

iv) "Walking on eggshells" - telling her what she wants to hear.
1. That's a funny one: on the one hand I argue with her and piss her off, on the other, I tell her what she wants to hear to not piss her off. Funny pattern. This is why it's a hard one to put into practice.
2. Again, defensive. Also, protested that I didn't want to be argumentative. Dug my heels and told her that whatever I was saying was what I really felt. And in some cases that was true. But why would she trust that?
3. Be authentic. Reconciliation may fail because of that. I will have to admit to things that she won't like. And she will have to trust that there is still a basis to rebuild a new relationship. That one is a bit abstract. I don't know how it will be in practice.

V) Talking about my feelings
1. This is another twist on being authentic. She has noticed that I bottle up everything inside, to the point of making myself sick. Especially stress. In fact, when she started her EA (or right before, but it was the inception of the infatuation), and I talked about how her spending time with him bothered me, she gave me a hug because it was the first time I had a sincere talk about my feelings. Then she went to see him anyway, mind you.
2. I haven't done much on this one. I did raise my hand and admit it. It's hard for me to unbottle without breaking down or crying, and I am scared this will happen.
3. Accept that I will be vulnerable in front of my wife, and embrace that. In my final plea, the day after the affair was discovered, I really did cry but really, did not convince her of how I felt. She thinks I don't really love her, and I am still not realising that I am better off without her. I am also in counselling, and my stated goal is to process and express my feelings. I need to act in tune with myself and what's inside.

This will be hard to do in practice. I probably need one of a few more passes to make these a lot more concrete and practical. Pervasive thing is authenticity, and not acting defensive. I need to evidence sincerity and not be afraid to truly speak up for myself.

Bit exhausted. I'll try to post more regularly from now on! Coaching session to be schedule, and counselling on Tuesday. Bring it on!