sorry for giant epistle. After 25 years typing all day , every day, i can type as fast as i think- and it's like we're having a "conversation". i get thinking and it gets pouring out of my fingertips.
too bad we're not all face to face - so we could actually converse.
(oddly for a blabbermouth like me) tho, i find not talking about this mlc junk helps quite a bit. It all does recede more and more in life- i feel less actual pain - more and longer times where it's not in my mind at all. so that's something huge.
it's the being busy - having people "to play with" thing.
you have me thinking alot about my "stuck-ness".
here it is- i'm STUCK with h's mlc and resulting messed up life for me - and i cannot fix it quickly . i cannot fix him (at all) probably. much like mom and her health - i'm powerless over something important to me. and i have to learn to possibly live with it (for evermore).
i know- real life- suck it up - everyone ends up there sooner or later sometime.
In response to your question about being hard on self- maybe i'm the only one i get to boss around in life- so, maybe i have frustrated POWER issues? the only one I can control in any way is me. maybe i'm "tweaking" myself - work in progress - trying to be best/better me; as in, there's always room for improvement? idk- i think overall i'm okay, normal kinda guy. I don't think i'm so "down" on me (i'm not objective probably) - i just can see i've got problems to work on too. (he, on other hand, thinks his - self is perfect. ) sheesh i don't want to be like that - hey wait- i'd LOVE to be like that. .
I get it tho, there's always room for a compliment to self on one's progress too tho. my Buddha book says "our neurosis are what make us interesting" we don't have to get rid of allll our flaws, we just have to gently make peace with them and control them". kind of a better thought than "curing" them all - where would one begin???
power is a weird thing isn't it? maybe you're rite about h having too much "power" over me. well- the power to make me feel unhappy-ish when i know he's with ow.
that's my big stumbling block. i'm just forced to know- and my reaction is to not like it.
his mlc & me understanding is getting old. it's a good to develop the patience - it's a stinkeroo way to get it.
i can see my own progress here - it may be small but it's mine and i'm grateful for it. - detached enough to not always feel decimated.
