Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

All right. First order of business. What do I love about my wife that makes me want to keep fighting for us?

There are things in her that I admire, perhaps it's because I lack them myself. At the same time, did that make me resent her at times?

1) Unlike me, she does not bend over backwards to please people, and does not walk on eggshells. She can be direct and does not shy away from confrontation. Fear of confrontations is a problem for me; in my relationship, it made me resent her at times and act passive-aggressively. At work, I am 100% sure that it's held me back. I'm confident it's costing me at least £50k a year in terms compensation I could otherwise be getting if I had fulfilled my potential.

But in any case, I love her and admire her for it now. It's inspiring, and I should have used the opportunity of our marriage to learn from her.

She has reproached me the fact that I walked on eggshells around her. I can see how she would have wished she saw a bit more fight in me. Instead of arguing trivial points, to stand firm. Once I displayed that behaviour and she actually verbalised how much she liiiiked it...

2) She is playful, cute and funny. Now that I am on my own, I won't lie, I've been observing other women around me more closely. I think I took for granted how W could be so silly, but in a cool and smart way.

3) Beautiful. I miss that face. I wish I could see her only once more sleeping with her fists closed when I come to kiss her before I leave for work.

4) Charisma. People like her; there is a glow around her. I don't know if it's because that detachment makes her seem unattainable.

Even though she says she was never in love with me, I am convinced that I am the one that didn't properly reflect her feelings. She has a lot of pain from her background, and I think that I lacked the commitment and courage to give her what she needed. It started to annoy me.

I'd give anything to turn the clock and get another chance...

Obviously this isn't quite what I'd want to tell her. I only know that I love her for real, and I want to build something brand new with her. We both deserve this.

Was never a religious person, but I think prayer would help at this point...