Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Thought some more...

I think that there's a danger that we understand what we want to understand when it comes to going dark/not going dark. I need to be wary of looking for "loopholes" in the going dark rule. I think it's important to go back to what it's intended for, and apply it ruthlessly to our own cases. It's so easy to find excuses to reach out, especially when it's for reasons we can justify as "not chasing" (e.g. some mail came in for her), just because it feels good to hear from them and that they are alive.

In my case, not one of her friends has reached out (except for one couple that consider themselves our friends in equal measure), nor her family. Because she doesn't talk to her family often, I don't know if she even told them. So I'm not hearing anything from anyone. Attrition is quite hard. That makes it tempting to come up with spurious reasons to reach out.

So whenever I consider making contact, I have to step back and think of what emotions I have that may make me make the wrong decision.

Today for instance, I went to the cafe for breakfast near our house where I started going regularly when we were still together. I was always joking with my wife that I was wondering when I would be considered a regular there by the owners, and greeted as such. I just liked the idea of being a regular geezer at a greasy spoon. So I used to be funny about it, telling W about signs that I may or may not have attained regular status yet, and we joked about it. And this morning, lo and behold, the owner asked me "your usual staple diet then"? I was shocked!! I really thought about texting her something like "sorry but I had to tell someone: I know I should be more sad than proud, but I'm officially a REGULAR and I don't need to tell them what I want for breakfast anymore!! Best day of my life!" BTW my regular staple is double-egg, bacon, chips and beans. Good thing I only go at weekends. Please no one tell me my 180 should be to switch to natural yogurt and a banana! I eat that during the week already thank you very much.

Well, I didn't text her in the end. First, it's only been a month since she left. She's been in her own apartment for a week and a half now. And it's not THAT funny. There'll be other chances. Even as I write this, I wonder if I'm missing an opportunity to reconnect and it's making me nervous. But I have to trust that my coach, for instance, who expressed ambivalence on the "going dark" method in my case, advised against contacting before a few weeks. We're not there yet.

The point is, if you go back to the DB text, going dark simply means not chasing, not initiating contact. So you don't do that. You don't send the texts unless necessary, you don't call, and you don't accept all invites. Sandi's rules apply. You have to wait until you get an overture, or at least quite a long time. I'll have to go re-read Thornton's thread to refresh my memory and get a sense of the chronology and events when the R started to turn, which may be helpful. Or he may drop by if he can get a break from all the dates and mooching .

odsnt: Where does this leave us, who had trouble showing love and appreciation? And if I confess, in my own case, feeling appreciation at times? I think for me, the first thing is to go back to the books and do the work now, so that I know I can act optimally if and when the chance comes. Can you clearly state the 3 things you love most about your wife, for instance? For a while I couldn't but now I can; I will write it down and you can be sure I'll be ready to tell her as and when it is appropriate. What are our goals? What are our 180s? I don't know how far along you are down that journey, but I am not waiting until I get a signal anymore. I want to do everything I can now to make sure I'm not caught off guard. Next call with my coach, we will spend the hour discussing realistic signals that I may receive that would indicate that things are about to change, and we'll play out the scenarios and what I should do under each.

I'll tell you one area that I struggle with a bit: GAL. Problem is, we were growing apart. While she was here preparing lessons on her computer until 10 at night, and working weekends (dearth of resources provided to teachers in this country are an absolute utter disgrace), I was doing the following:
- My job
- Sitting on the Board of Trustees of a charity
- Personal training Sat mornings, gym on Sunday
- Going to gigs as we live nearish the "hotspot" for good indie club gigs in our city, most often on my own because she doesn't like live music that much
- Occasionally going out with friends

I don't have bandwidth for much else!! I can put more life energy into what I commit to, as I tend to half-ass things (the board duties and the job - though I can't be that bad at the job since they are downsizing I didn't get laid off yet). She did mention I needed to hang out with my own friends more, I've certainly reconnected with a few. I can make new friends, but browsing for groups on meetup.com leave me ambivalent. The ones that seem fun are music and bar-based, and I'm not sure that's good for me. I need to curb drinking, and hanging out in bars is getting old. I don't mind old-man pubs with friends... I don't know I would like to meet new people. I haven't hung out with anyone this weekend, as I don't want to overload the friends I already have.

Am definitely going to join a martial arts club. I'd prefer ju jitsu, but it's a 7pm start and a half hour from my house. Could be hard to pull off...

All right. I have some goals to write down so I'll close this post in case anyone wants to respond.