FINALLY SURFACING

[Fartiltre]

Two weeks of vacation with S11 is unfortunately over. It has been so great! I have let XW1 know that she can anticipate me asking to have him for three weeks next year…she seemed a little reluctant but I believe it will be all right. Furthermore winter holiday is settled so if I can find the money S11 and I will go skiing.

The past week with 3 kids and I have passed so quickly. At times it is hard to be alone with them since they are some pack but it is amazing to observe me I feel so good about this that I can’t describe it!

A few interactions with W through sms about some glasses and an upcoming birthday. I haven’t spoken to her since Monday.

Next week I have the Ds here and while I look forward to some time alone with them I will miss S11 very much.

But I thought the conversations were getting better. They were getting longer and with no anger. Why do you feel like giving up now? And exactly what do you mean standing firmer than ever?
Do you feel that she simply wants you in her life as a friend and it won't progress beyond that level?

The conversations over the past weeks are better and a thought has sneaked in on me several times over the past days. It is difficult for me to describe accurately and it comes and then I dismiss it….but something seems to have changed. I can read it positive and negative in terms of R – I really don’t know.
It is not that she has opened up in any way but still something feels different….and it could be a lot of things.
IDK – it could just be me
(This is not the old me twisting and spinning my brain about everything.)

W seems more agreeable. I have experienced more than once that she didn’t get angry or use harsh words when I expected her to. (Expectations only due to history)
W seems to admit that some of my views on the children are right.
We had this half an hour long convo about our experiences and she actually asked to meet to evaluate how things are going. We haven’t done this but just her asking….
W is not liking my post on FB anymore. She has done this almost every time I have posted for a long long time, but for the last month or so – nothing. (MIL, SIL and other of Ws family and friends continues to like my post so my thought is that she un-followed (not unfriended) me because it annoys her to see all the things I can do now compared to prior to BD. Mindreading or guessing – I know – still she has expressed this in words more than once.)
We communicate less than prior to vacation. This might be due to vacation since there is nothing to coordinate these days.
We spend an entire day together and it was a nice day
Her respond to D7s request about spending more time with me.

When I look at W I see her gone and I have done this for a long time now. That’s the reason why I wrote that some part of me feel like giving up. I do not see the above as progress. Right now I see it as W digging in to stick with her decision and yes I see it as her wanting me in her life as the father of her children and perhaps a friend – but nothing further, but once again I am focusing on and mindreading W.

On the other hand I see my children hurting and I see them so happy on a day when they have us both. I would, more than anything, love to give them a family and that means to R with W. Thats the reason I wrote that I feel like standing firmer than ever but that might not work in English What I meant was that seeing the children motivates me further, adds patience, helps me keep the hope and helps me keep standing.

…so I guess, in moments, that I feel torn between giving up and digging in! Then again - I honestly wouldnt even know how to give up. I do not believe it a decision I can make - if it comes, it comes by it self.

Case is that I am NOT about to give up!
My life is good at the moment all though I still struggle with all of this, some financial and work issues and then off course the lack of time….bottom line is that my life is good and the only things I actually have influence over is the work, the financials and prioritizing my time. I feel at peace with me as a man and especially as a father. I am not entirely happy as we have discussed earlier but I am getting better and happier every day.

Makes sense?
(Sorry it became somewhat long )

Hej Far,
More power to you - it is encouraging to read your posts!
Luke

Thanks Luke – means a lot