Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today was okay. I spent most of the day GAL out with a sympathetic friend. There were some tears, but a lot of understanding and support. I'm grateful that although many of my friends think I would be better off just walking away they support my choice to try to work on the R. and are around and available whenever I need them.

I came home and spent some time doing yoga (in tiny yoga clothes) and cooking while H. was in the kitchen (in tiny yoga top and tiny shorts), and there will be some walking around in a thong later tonight when he's around. He hasn't made anything even vaguely resembling a move, but he seemed to be chattier and in a somewhat better mood tonight than he has been recently. To be fair, this might also be the result of me being out all day today. I haven't done this as much as usual this week, so I should get back to it. He even initiated some conversations and showed me something he was working on.

I'm still trying to detach and not see too much hope in small changes. There have been a lot of mixed messages recently, and something hopeful followed by something pretty dire has been absolutely crushing. I'm definitely noting and recording when things seem to be going a bit better, but really working on keeping my distance from assigning any meaning to them in order to protect myself as much as possible.

I just realised it's now only two days until he leaves for his trip. Trying not to panic or cry. Must keep GAL and giving him space. I want him to leave feeling as positive as possible and being a clingy, emotional wreck won't help with that. This is going to be hard, though - it's hard to rein in the feelings at the best of times.