1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Guys, I've had a roller coaster of a last few days. It's day 15 without porn and I have been tested because I've felt very hopeless at times and have felt it was impossible and maybe we just aren't compatible because I'm too broken and it's too late. At times I feel like giving up not just on the R but on life because I start feeling like I'll never be able to find any peace on my own or with another. But I tell myself those are just thoughts and I have to keep going, I pray as more time passes and I keep striving that will change. I realize those thoughts are just more selfishness and immaturity, but man it can be tough to break out of.

That leads to some dilemmas I've been wrestling with, feel free to challenge or contribute. I know I'm going off course but can't always figure out how. PLEASE don't give up on me. It would be easy to because I feel that way too but this is too important for too many people. I have to grow stronger.

-Detaching. I'm so mixed up about this. Do I need to stop loving my wife? Or just stop hoping for a future? I know I've had trouble letting go of the rope. Part of me is scared that if I stop caring about the chance of reconciliation all love will die out and it won't work. The good news is I have done/said nothing that would indicate pursuing, but I'm working on the real me vs. her perception. Thoughts?

-GAL. The books say not to wallow in emotion. But my therapist has told me my problem is that I dissociate from emotion and fill up my life so I'm so busy I don't have to feel. He says I need to learn to be hurt, vulnerable, and sad. I've always ran from negative emotions and escaped by taking on projects, etc. How do I balance this?

To be clear, I recognize this is the weakest part of me. The weakest part of me won't get it done. I'm still praying daily for the strength to learn to be the stronger part of me. The part of me that loves myself, isn't clingy or desperate, is confident, assured, and content. My STBX and I still only communicate via email which is great because I can pray for that tone to come across in my messages prior to writing, then reread to make sure it is 'God and DB approved'.

To all of the others going through similar struggles I hope you all feel your own value tonight and know that you are special.