Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Meghan,
Did you even try any of the stuff that I suggested to you? Im not telling you that its a 100% guarantee to work, but if your H is not feeling like he even wants to touch you right now, Im nearly positive that will have an effect.

I did give it a go - I've done yoga in my shortest shorts, and I've been walking around in panties and a bra, and topless too, which is easy to do since it's really hot here - but it seems like he's been actively avoiding looking at me when I do that. I suppose I could be wrong about that, though - is it possible that he doesn't want me to see him looking at me?

I ran it by my brother last night too. He agreed. It may not be the case that you walk around in a thong or naked and he immediately jumps on you, but it will bring about a desire for sure. I would say that a couple instances of this and you should see some kind of change.

I know you think it is pursuit, but it really isnt. It isnt you asking him if he wants to have sex. Thats not what Im telling you to do. All it really is doing is putting the idea in his mind. When he tests the waters and makes some sort of advance, whether it be slapping your ass or making a comment, you need to be flirty and let him know that its ok and that you are open to it.

If you look at it, its still him initiating, not you. Its a 180 for you because you are gonna be excited to have sex with him.

I can't tell you how happy I would be if he'd do any of those things. I'd be all over that, no problem at all. I see what you're saying about the difference between pursuit and planting an idea, though - planting an idea feels a lot less like it violates his wishes.

Take my advice or leave it. The way I look at it, you have nothing to lose by trying it. You can give him a positive experience before he goes on the trip and make him excited to come back. Im telling you this from a guys perspective who is pretty close to the same age as your H. I know it would work on me or any of the guys that I know. To me this seems like a no brainer. Have some confidence in yourself, you know your H wants to have sex with you or you wouldnt even be in this position. I dont care what others are saying on here about the DBing portion of this, do it and see what happens.

I really have been giving it a try. Short shorts, underwear, and small yoga clothes have been the norm. I want him to look at me. He's said in MC that he still finds me attractive, and I hope that's true. I think you're right that I'm not feeling a lot of confidence right now, though, and that's mixed in with a lot of fear. His admission that he wants sex but not with me right now was pretty shattering, but I am taking your advice to heart. If it works, I'll be over the moon.

[Meghan]

Meghan,

I understand why you want to see a sex therapist but I completely agree with Ben2010. Just let him see you looking hot in yoga pants or something thing similar. It's just planting the idea in his mind. Just like dating, you are being flirty and attractive. I think some times its the simplest things that work than over analyzing it... Just my 2 cents.

Thanks, CSan - I do have a tendency to over-analyse things.

[Meghan]

Agree. Go to bed in lingere or something like that. He is a guy. His mind thinks about sex every 12 seconds. Even if he acts cold, he will be thinking of you and looking at you

I'm thinking maybe topless tonight - haven't done that in awhile.

It's really too bad we're not sleeping in the same bed, but he'll see me anyway for a good while before he heads off to bed too.

[Meghan]

I would agree with all of this except the part about you shooting him down. Make him "commit" to sex with you by "chasing" you a bit playfully. Dont shoot him down at all though. Maybe even do something like semi-violently push him back on the couch or bed and undo his pants and use your mouth for a minute and then climb on top of him. You doing things like this will plant the idea in his mind that you WANT to do it and not just to fix the situation. You have to trust us on this one. Be confident, sexy and flirty a bit without pursuit.

Sex can be a great healing/bonding experience. And make-up sex is on a whole different level. Im not saying that it will solve all of your problems here, but it could calm the storm alot.

When that works and your H goes on the trip, let me know. I have some more ideas for you

No worries about shooting him down. If he initiated, I'd go for it - I want him thinking about me and acting on it and I'm not about to mess this up again - turning him down would be devastating. I really want to have this with him, and I think it would do us both worlds of good and be a good start to sorting some of this out.

It feels like forever since I've been flirty with H. I hope I haven't forgotten how. Time to go and do yoga in super short yoga shorts again - wish me luck!

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today was okay. I spent most of the day GAL out with a sympathetic friend. There were some tears, but a lot of understanding and support. I'm grateful that although many of my friends think I would be better off just walking away they support my choice to try to work on the R. and are around and available whenever I need them.

I came home and spent some time doing yoga (in tiny yoga clothes) and cooking while H. was in the kitchen (in tiny yoga top and tiny shorts), and there will be some walking around in a thong later tonight when he's around. He hasn't made anything even vaguely resembling a move, but he seemed to be chattier and in a somewhat better mood tonight than he has been recently. To be fair, this might also be the result of me being out all day today. I haven't done this as much as usual this week, so I should get back to it. He even initiated some conversations and showed me something he was working on.

I'm still trying to detach and not see too much hope in small changes. There have been a lot of mixed messages recently, and something hopeful followed by something pretty dire has been absolutely crushing. I'm definitely noting and recording when things seem to be going a bit better, but really working on keeping my distance from assigning any meaning to them in order to protect myself as much as possible.

I just realised it's now only two days until he leaves for his trip. Trying not to panic or cry. Must keep GAL and giving him space. I want him to leave feeling as positive as possible and being a clingy, emotional wreck won't help with that. This is going to be hard, though - it's hard to rein in the feelings at the best of times.

[Meghan]

Had an awful dream about H. last night and woke up in tears.

Every day feels harder.

[Maybell]

Meghan, I'll reply more fully later, but I wanted to let you know that my H went on a trip like yours is leaving for on Tuesday. Things MAY get worse before they get better -- the trip was too hectic and tiring for him to come home ready to be a loving husband. All he wanted was to sleep and recover, which meant, to be alone.

I say this not to hurt you or add to your anxiety, but to encourage you to plan for it. You CAN do things while he's gone that will make a difference. First and most importantly, plan some GAL activities that will make you feel great. Things that dont permit you to worry about where his head is. Things that are a bit of a reach for you personally. And try to do at least one or two things with an acquaintance you don't know well but with whom you share some interests. You won't feel comfortable sharing too much about your sitch and you'll be stretching your wings at the same time. This makes it much easier to detach.

Don't worry about not talking to your h regularly. In fact, it might be easier to detach if you don't. You might even be unavailable, or available only briefly, while he's gone. This whole "deciding" business shouldn't be only on his end. Not only should he *think* he could lose you... You should actually examine what you value about the M, and what about it holds you back. This isn't so you can give up on the M, but to help you detach, and to help you understand where your own points of growth are.

There was one other thing I wanted to say, but it's not coming to me right now. I will come back in a bit. I'm sorry the dream upset you. Remember that dreams are a way of our inner selves communicating and acting out so that it's easier for our awake selves to behave with self-control. Let them do their job, it is important to spend some time with our feelings.

Best to you...

[Maybell]

Only you can decide this for yourself, but... Think twice about flaunting your hot bod for him. That may be something that makes you cringe later. And if sex has been an issue for the two of you, he may not take it the way you mean it. Trust me, he knows you've got the goods. He should want what's under the hood, too. hugs!!

[Meghan]

Meghan, I'll reply more fully later, but I wanted to let you know that my H went on a trip like yours is leaving for on Tuesday. Things MAY get worse before they get better -- the trip was too hectic and tiring for him to come home ready to be a loving husband. All he wanted was to sleep and recover, which meant, to be alone.

I say this not to hurt you or add to your anxiety, but to encourage you to plan for it. You CAN do things while he's gone that will make a difference. First and most importantly, plan some GAL activities that will make you feel great. Things that dont permit you to worry about where his head is. Things that are a bit of a reach for you personally. And try to do at least one or two things with an acquaintance you don't know well but with whom you share some interests. You won't feel comfortable sharing too much about your sitch and you'll be stretching your wings at the same time. This makes it much easier to detach.

Thanks, Maybell - I've sort of been anticipating something like this. It's possible he goes and decides to work on things or decides that it's over, but it's also possible he comes back and nothing happens. I'm steeling myself for all possibilities, but I'm not sure that anticipating them or trying to realise what could happen actually has me any more prepared.

Don't worry about not talking to your h regularly. In fact, it might be easier to detach if you don't. You might even be unavailable, or available only briefly, while he's gone. This whole "deciding" business shouldn't be only on his end. Not only should he *think* he could lose you... You should actually examine what you value about the M, and what about it holds you back. This isn't so you can give up on the M, but to help you detach, and to help you understand where your own points of growth are.

I was planning on letting him do all of the contacting (except on his birthday), and trying to limit my availability a bit. This is going to be hard, but I think it's important to do. He needs the space and to sort through some things - both in terms of the relationship and just himself.

I like your point about the "deciding" not being only for him. I've been giving a lot of thought recently to what I value, what isn't working, and what would need to change on both ends for this to work. A lot of that comes down to responsibility and security. I'll probably write more on this later, but on top of that it feels like my world has become very small. It's not his fault - I let it happen - but it needs to be fixed. Happily, GAL is helping with that.

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today's been okay, so far. I caught myself wallowing this morning, and forced myself to GAL and get out for a bike ride. I took the opportunity to do some shopping and bought myself some new make-up, which I haven't done in years. I even asked one of the nice ladies there for help choosing something flattering, and I look rather pretty, if I do say so myself.

I spent the afternoon tidying and decluttering the apartment a bit - tough work, but it feels like it's helping me to get my head on a bit straighter. A cluttered environment is supposed to exacerbate a cluttered mind, or something like that. I got in a bit of reading and also spent some time talking to a friend was very reassuring about some recent revelations about the relationship and about me.

It's becoming clear that I have a lot of work to do on and for myself in order to increase my opportunities for future happiness. In particular, I'm not at all assertive or inclined to ask for what I need because I'm scared of the outcome. I try to keep people happy all the time and often hedge whenever I have to say something I don't want to. Ultimately, this has led to a situation where my needs weren't met (although neither were his) and I'm still feeling a good deal of resentment. Definitely something to bring up in IC.

H. seems to be in a reasonable mood again today. I've noticed he's grumpiest when he gets up, so I've stopped asking him "how's it going" when he first emerges as part of my 180s. He's still not initiating conversations - by voice or IM - as much as I'm used to, but he's talking somewhat more and seems to be a bit less snappy. Given how let down I've been by apparent changes over the past few weeks, though, I'm still trying to not read too much into this or to interpret where it's coming from and what it means.