Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

One thing I’ve been considering is seeing a sex therapist (perhaps while H. is away on his vacation, but not really sure about timing or even actually going yet).


My reasoning (or possible lack thereof):

- it shows effort in getting these problems dealt with in such a way that I can learn how to manage them better in the future – new BC helped, as did more help around the house and getting in a better financial position, but I think it might be worth exploring all of the possible reasons with a professional in case there was something else going on

- it's something that maybe I should be looking into anyway, in order to better understand myself

- it’s a 180, since H. thinks that I didn’t take his concerns seriously or put in enough effort to fix things

- if I can do this on my own, it’s also something that he doesn’t have to participate in, which is good since he’s resentful of doing the work and feels like he’s already put in way more than his fair share of the effort

- the therapist I’m looking at also does couples counseling and has a solution based approach – I’m starting to feel a bit frustrated with our current counseling, since we seem to spend more time talking about feelings (with me crying as a result, and getting defensive, and other not great things) and wouldn’t mind seeing about some other options


My concerns:

- that this could be read as pursuing, even if we're not having sex right now

- that this will be seen as another example of me doing something that’s self-focused because I’m scared of losing him

- that this is more “too little, too late” (although I’m still confused about why he talked about the issues with me again back in March if he didn’t want me to try again to fix them)

- that the therapy could bring up the same old resentments (or maybe even new ones) on my end, which could make things worse when I’m trying really hard to focus on him and his needs rather than me and mine

- that at some point he’ll be expected to come to the therapy, thereby making him do more work and possibly having to hear about my resentments yet again, which really seems to mess things up

- that he doesn't like therapy (I don't know if this is true, but he doesn't seem to be thrilled about the current MC) and more will just throw fuel on the fire


I was going to add a concern that the therapy could further demonstrate how awful I’ve been to H., giving me more to blame myself for, but this could actually be a good thing if it helps me to better empathize with his perspective.

I haven’t seen anything about this as a possible approach on any of the boards, so thoughts are appreciated, as always.