Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Most likely he is afraid any change you make will not be permanent. He has to see the changes last over a period of time before he buys into the 'new' you.

I absolutely agree with this, and he's said as much to me, too. I know he's afraid of backsliding, and I'm sure that this is why he's so adamant about seeing any changes as authentic and focused on his happiness - if they're not, they won't stick and we'll wind up in this terrible place again. I'm sure that he's terrified right now, even if he hides it almost all of the time.

Problem is, he can't see any changes as authentic and so I don't feel I can do the things he really wants. I've touched him - usually on the shoulder - every day since counseling, but that's hardly the intimate actions he was missing. In the absence of any other intimacy, the touches feel more like a friend than a lover. I also listen better, tell him he looks great, ask questions about what he's working on when he's talking about it to me, and try to validate and support where I can. I did that for what I thought were two good weeks between our last MC sessions, but he said in the last session that nothing had changed, which felt crushing.

I just don't know where else to start when he's so angry at me that he doesn't feel enough of an emotional connection to be comfortable with me doing much more than these small things. I know small changes done consistently can yield significant results. They just feels so, so small and ineffective right now.

I keep coming back to the idea of backing off and working on me, as you've suggested. I do feel some concern that working on me won't be seen as any kind of a change. One of his biggest complaints has been that I'm too focused on myself and my needs, so focusing on me could potentially be seen as more of the same. But, since his complaint was largely about his feelings of having to care for me, I suppose some changes that help me to take better care of myself so he doesn't have to could still work.