i've been thinking about you (being queen of house clearouts (bane of my existence) (and add mom's house to the list) and (me and actually getting my "extra stuff" out the back door forever. (have a mountain currently i lugged out of attic- determined not to put it back). i just go do other things more fun and ignore it- i am world's biggest procrastinator on almost all fronts. (and i am letting self be - well, except what i'm doing because it will make me feel better & less jumbled in life).
i don't think i expect too much more from me than just a regular human being should be able to live up to. I would like to see myself all ensconced in a new life - but cannot "make" that happen quickly - and - whose life is "perfect" ????. that's the thing- if i am honest with myself - I am more fortunate than most and still have a very nice little life (compliments of h) BUT (aside from the giant $hitshow of mlc blossoming over there in the corner). . there is not alot I sit around yearning for in day to day reality (in a physical sense) . I do miss what i had (or thought i had) in my memories. (the mental pleasure of feeling loved) (and the joke is- maybe i wasn't, but still was enjoying the notion falsly- what the heck does that make my "mental happiness?") (a think all in my mind) (pma?) (i see my 3 girlfriends w/their long long r's & i'm jealous) (can i make that happen fast? (no) or at all? idk) and i'm not sure what (or if) i have left there. I am in the physical life exactly almost as it was - without the mental feeling of well-being i THOUGHT i enjoyed. too much water under the bridge? idk
i miss people who have left forever too - i am too aware of death really being the final issue & here with us daily - not all this "stuff" going on all the time - this is all crappola. did that make sense?. compared to people dying becasue mere mortal that i am, couldn't "save" them - r too - maybe it's like a person dying- i just do not have the power to do it alone.
memory wise - the sad futility of alcohol & linda dying took away my whole youth, h lying took away my adulthood til now - mom needing me for her mom & unhappy & dying - these things just wipe away a portion of your life's memories shared with that person. it did happen- but it's soooooo gone forever - well, it will never return .
i can capture alot of happier times- they flit in, but i can't really use them to make today happier because tehy are just gone forever. it's gotta be today
I don't think i'm incapacitated - i just feel like a worn out person who is not sure now what she is or wants with allllll my reference points gone. Even my sisters (one big happy family- HA!! - pack of snarling hyenas) IT'S just alot of changing around for a mere 6 years. I just can never bring myself to chuck people - that's really it. (what if i'm wrong about them? what if they change (back), etc. might sound nutty- but you see that kind of problem? that is me.... the second chance, last chance saloon... maybe i believe we all can redeem ourselves? idk
Quote:
While you are stuck, life is still moving forward. Now, sometimes being stuck is a good thing. It gives you time to find your footing. It allows you to figure stuff out.
i think that describes my initial feelings of "can't" - overwhelmed, absolutely and totally. (deer in headlights)
i'm not sure about me having concrete GOALS in the "life moving forward" bit - i am open to whatever comes next - i wonder about it - i dont' think we can stop the future whatever it holds, good or bad. maybe i'm savoring the last remnants of this old "life" of mine - feeling like i "have" someone to share a life with- before it's totally gone forever too?
something like that??? that's the only "sense" i get of life going FORWARD - just this big thing outside me pulling me along with it- I can't bring myself to jump in and embrace a future that will be HARD & unppleasant ONE minute before i absolutely have to. (lazy? realistic? practical? idk)
I think it's definitely true i'm stuck- but then i get analyzing the nature of my "stuck" and with my life being as it is - whether i particularly like it or not- if i'm honest - I do have total freedom really to do whatever it is i feel compelled or inclined to. i could go hang out at bars and boink someone's eyeballs out if i'd like to. amazing allll the things that aren't that appealing if you've really got the freedom to do or have them. (i don't believe i can "make" a new, better r ( and person) happen in my life - even if i wanted to - quickly. i can only try and be optimistic and "ready" if it happens by.
my heart is not bleeding- i do think i've hardened considerably - i'm thinking the fly in my ointment is that if i know he is with ow - then i really don't like it. it irks me - on that issue i am stuck feeling that it's a shame he is forcing me out of his life - little by little i am "leaving him" in my heart. it's just a constant "criticism" feeling kind of thing - you'd think a lifetime being compared to sisters would make me better at not being center of attention- i don't want to i find.
he is knocking himself out to be nice - little trips, projects, goodies, etc. idk why really. i've said here before i honestly do not know what i feel for this man now. i've got allll that residual "stuff" - the 'bond" thing- BUT - I DO NOT feel passion and the incredible fondness and i wonder sometimes if i even do love him anymore. it's hard to be objective because i'm protecting my heart here - becoming more and more "objective" - welll, i guess detached really. i might resist "the end" - but i'm sure not allowing self to be fooled in to seeing a "future". other than somethings bad - i don't think i have expectations... (i hope)
i see nothing at the moment- trying to let past totally go and not worry about a future that might not come.
Yesterday i got really busy fiddling around with cement in the garden for several hours, visited my sister & sold her mom's car- grabbed neice and we went shopping and got some goodies - laughed a bit- she came back & was knotting a pretty bracelet &* i was goofing off-
so, on the whole, what the heck is there out in life that is sooooooooo much better than that? (that i can reasonably expect now) my expectations of life and excitement are pretty incredibly small - on a daily basis. watching mom crumble for past six years has made me and the whole day at a time thing really reality. if she didn't fall or die- it was a good day. if i didn't explode from grief (in beginning)- good day. laughably small expectations -
now- when i actually get engrossed in gardening or a project or anything- i note it's progress. it was hellish when not one thing in the world interested me and i was pretty sure i would just expire...
i feel a bit artsie and craftsie- have some enthusiasm- I honestly don't know if i have "expectations" of h. true- just like dying- it's a crapshoot looming out there- anything could happen any day.
aside from the days when i get washed over with anxiety- come here and dump & ask for some sane input - mostly i don't give a darn - no kidding. i used to think every single thing was important- all the details in life- they "mattered". i'm not so sure anymore. good or bad? idk ...
I am such a slow and prudent mover- i save money, time, etc - i think i'm a tortois - slow but sure? if i had to guess...
I find myself apologizing for what i think "they" "the world" EXPECTS of me- expects me to do. you know- everyone has a big fat opinion they're ready to toss out- "if that happened to me, i'd _______________" yeah, yeah, yeah...
sooooooooooo easy to say when you're not the guy in the soup.
i'm sure i'm a giant pain to "watch" and listen to, here in this forum. i sure do have my "agonies" sometimes. i know you guys must scratch your heads and wonder how long i'll dangle out there in the wind??? idk- i keep thinking of you and everyone saying when it's right- you'll know and you'll do it. i actually have faith in that...
seee how calm i am this morning- have taken an otc sleeping pill 3 nites in a row (bold & daring move for me) - tired of even trying to "tough it out", tho could have tried last nite. just takin the easy road for the moment. I have been hand-holding with girl next door. she finally moved her mom to a nursing home by her house (in pa- 6 hrs away) after six or seven years of back & forth (and agonizing over that decision) & 24-7 attendants here w/her mom - and in a week her mom died. last few days funeral, etc. - geeeez - there it is, in one's face again- it could be any of us - any day.
i worried like mad last bunch of years- where would it "end" with mom and the memory. i hated thought she'd end up a mindless blob - i swear the daily concern of someone's welfare day to day- the insanity of even thinking anything could be "changed" - just find the good moments and do best could - try not obsess about where she'd end up living- etc. (i'm glad i did now- but it all could have easily been different) you can't know.
just plod forward like some stupid beast of burden that ignores the insanity and mundane misery of it- just one step next - one step next - shut off brain-
I just do not look ahead and see some giant shiney FUTURE looming ahead (like the big ole taj mahal) on my own. maybe i can see a windy wooded trail and a humble log cabin??? I think if i could "see" my future in the sense of "where i live" i'd be (i think) more pro-active. I see both lives i have and had - well, have both, don't spend alot of time in one- but it's there "waiting" (maybe?) (why h doesn't want it gone (my possessions and stamp on that house) - idk) that is totally a "wait and see" proposition too. will i be "glad" if i just walk away from my "life" down there & come up here forever??? another "thing" i am not so sure if i should just entirely dismantle and walk away from. the people- friends, family - etc.
see what i mean? i am the queen of over-thinking when i actually do begin to think it over. i will substitute again this year- it's fun and a "job", tho not a fulltime high-paying one. i am coming to conclusion i'm a piddler in life- having a pleasant time one day at a time (this morning anyway) - not wanting to take on giant demands and RESPONSIBILITIES (even of myself rite now) one minute before i absolutely HAVE TO. oh cripes- i think i just swallowed a small moth in my coffee!!!)
THEN I moan and am dissatisfied and then i think maybe i'm greedy and lazy - you sure can look at it either way- can't you???
i've "considered" myself into a corner here. I met this man when i was newly married to ex. i don't think being "free" of him will facilitate my meeting someone else if that is my karma (and my biggest maybe desire- someone to love and appreciate me (again) ) soooo - as usual - (ta da) i am awaiting wisdom to alight... and for my life to unfold. i almost feel it's nothing to do with me and what i 'm doing - what will happen & is happening.
i'm feelin very detached and floatie about it all this morning. sometimes i do feel okay - i know the control freaks are probably cussing out my air-headedness - (see what i mean about h paying the bills? instead of me worrying about paying my credit card bill- i'm wondering how my cement walk creation bit turned out- if pressing a scallop shell in it is cute or what?)
i've probably bored you right into a coma with all this junk - my head is like a giant trunk of junk- better left shut for the time being in the attic (since it's quiet and chilled this one minute). no expectations man for that either....
