Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: I've been thinking about H.'s somewhat contradictory statements again tonight.

Statement One: I should be making efforts to go ahead and fix things (because this is my fault and he shouldn't have to put in the effort because he already did).

Statement Two: the things that he knows he wants (hugs, kisses, head scratches, back rubs, sex, and so on) are not things that he wants from me right now because he's angry with me and they feel inauthentic

I've been wondering how on earth do I navigate H. saying they he wants change but but won't accept change. It seems impossible. Trying to meet statement one is a direct violation of his wishes in statement two, and judging by how he seems to be acting right now (moody and quiet) is probably a very bad idea.

I still feel like I need to be doing things for him. I still want to do things that he says he's missed out on, like scratch his head while we watch TV, kiss him every night before bed, and run his back while he works. But statement two says this is a no go.

If they key is really to focus on me and making my life better, it strikes me that I could perhaps deal with issues that he's had with me, so he starts to feel less like the caretaker of a needy person who relies on him for everything.

I could - work more on managing my anxiety
- quit bringing him my work and life problems
- spend more time out with friends so he has space
- stop worrying so overtly about money
- be pleasant and happy about things that I would normally worry about
- work on getting more content with my life (GAL and all that)
- figure out ways to lighten my work load so I have more time for other things and so work isn't as much of an overwhelming priority

If I can do this, could it possibly open him up to trusting me in other ways? Could it show enough change that he might trust me to start doing things for him down the line?