Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

As good as things have been recently, I've felt negative feelings coming back such as expectation, jealousy and overattachment. I've gone with the flow, done my own thing and left my wife to her devices and supported her when she's needed it and so far things have improved. Since the night she invited me to her bed though, I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

The positives are still there: a sense of togetherness (without the actual relationship), constant communication about everything other than relationship/feelings, she hasn't shied away when I've touched her, lots of smiling and some laughs. She still talks about babies and houses and even mentioned yesterday about using money she's expecting to come in to pay off "our" credits cards, as opposed to paying only hers off and letting me sort mine out.

I felt the night she invited me to her bed was a turning point and I've fought with negative feelings ever since. That was the day she was told her store was closing and she'd be out of a job. Having been out of town that day to visit our solicitor, we also had the stress of that situation and the financial hit legal fees were taking on us. She felt vulnerable, reached out to me and I supported her by just being there. We ML the following morning for the first time in months and as natural as it felt, it was the physical closeness of waking up with her and hugging her that I felt was the turning point. I felt as if she was starting to commit physically what she had been starting to commit to verbally, even though relationship stuff would have to take a back seat to finding work and closing her current store.

Since then, I've found myself analysing things more, something I know I shouldn't be doing and have reasonably successfully fought off only for the thoughts to come back later. A couple of night later, she invited me to her bed again however I was asleep and didn't join her. I haven't received an invite since. I started pursuing again and I felt her pull away slightly though the communication and future plans talk was still present. I managed to back off and I've been trying to find that fine line between support and pursuit since. Just a couple of nights ago, I gave her a back rub and she enjoyed it so much she invited me to keep doing it until I started putting her to sleep.

The expectation and jealousy parts are the worst though. Since everything has gone down, one of the things I realised was that we never did anything socially together. I said a long time ago I didn't want to go out with her and her friends and she's not invited me out since our early days of dating. I understand now that a healthy relationship will involve her having her own friends and activities and me joining in on some. The most obvious one from a social standpoint is joining her and her friends at the pub/bar if the opportunity presents itself, which it hadn't until last night.

My wife has made plans with friends and I've longed for an invite. It's silly thinking about it but that's how I've felt. The thought has made me feel better about joining the local soccer team as I'll have my own social outlet. I feel that much of my jealousy and expectation isn't so much about wanting to have her do things with me instead of other people but more about her doing things with her friends and me not having friends to do things with, something that I hope to rectify starting with soccer.

An opportunity did come up last night, very unexpectedly. My wife went out with friends while I sat at home alone. It sucked but I had dealt with these nights better prior to the past couple of weeks. My wife did ask me to drop her and her friends off and pick them up and take them home again which has been a new development as previously, she would do everything possible to not have to rely on me: no drink and take her own car, leave her car at a friend's place, or even stay at a friend's place. Last night, I got the call, went to pick them up and wound up picking up several others who invited me me out too.

I wasn't sure how to respond but I was up for it and I ran it past my wife when I had the chance. Now, I understand now that my life is my life and I'll do what I want. This was a new situation and I didn't want to rain on her parade. It was her night and I would be intruding upon it. She was OK with me hanging around so I did. We didn't really do anything together; she was talking to people and I was standing around talking to whoever came my way (she's a social butterfly whereas I'm someone who is happy to watch the party). She was within earshot for much of the night though and our marriage came up within the group (from others, not us) and rather than play it down, she acknowledged that we were married and answered questions that were asked.

It turned out to be a good night. I decided I had had enough by 2:30am and wanted to head home in preparation for the next day. My wife wanted to stay which I was apprehensive about given her state and the plethora of young men who had flocked to her but I've learned that I have to trust her as much as she has to trust me. That and her life is her life and she's not gone outside our marriage as I did, despite how popular she is and how I've treated her in the past. I left and she told me she would message me when she wanted to come home. I told her initially I'd be asleep but then told her to call me when she was done as it was below freezing, she was drunk and it was quite a walk back to our house. I drove my wife's friend home and voiced my dilemma (let my wife figure out how she's getting home versus going back to pick her up) to which she validated my feeling and supported me picking my wife up given the weather and distance.

So on to today and I feel a little lost and I know I have to work through the negative feelings and detach better. My wife and I are heading to the same town today but not together. I play my first soccer game and my wife is heading over to see people from the same store as her but in that town. She's not interested in sport so she isn't coming to watch me play. She's also going out again tonight while I'll be sitting at home alone again. I work at 6am tomorrow and after going to bed at 4:30am this morning, I may be in for an early night around dinner, laundry and TV.

So this one's been a bit of a long one. As I mentioned recently, I feel I have the tools to deal with these negative feelings better and perhaps I need to back off for myself more than for my wife. Overall, things are still progressing with my wife and I feel there will be a lot of interesting situations to navigate as we build our relationship. We'll see how we go anyway