Cross country DB with WAS

[Underdog]

DB,

I don't see your texting as a mistake. My personal opinion is that it would be a mistake if she told you to leave her alone or had behaved in a manner that clearly indicated she wanted nothing to do with you.

In fact, I like it. You're not bringing up anything emotional or emoting to her and I think it was probably a good thing in the long run.

And her text today says it all. Feel free to answer her back with something light but meaningful. I remember telling my XH when he called me on our day, "It was a wonderful time and I'll never regret marrying you." He actually cried a little. So... saying something would be fine with me, as long as it's not bitter or angry. Or pursuing.

The 4th was really low key for me. My D20 went hiking on a 14er with her BFF and BFF's dad and then spent the night in their cabin. So D17 and I watched movies. Pretty lame. But remember I'm old. I turned into my parents, which is something I said I'd NEVER do. LOL.

Hang in there, friend.

Betsey

[Anders]

Thanks for the advice Betsey. I wasn't sure how best to respond without scaring her away. Along with your advice, I noticed she texted me quite a bit today on logistics but on seemingly minor things.

So this was my response: I hear you. Not at all where we thought we would be. I'm thinking of you too.

[Anders]

I ran into my FIL today while meeting a friend. He came up to say hello when he saw us. It is the first time since she told her parents she wanted the separation that I have seen him. I wasn't sure how in-laws had taken the news but he was friendly and we had a quick chat.

[Anders]

An interesting conversation today with a good friend who gave me her perspective on the pursuer-distancer dynamics:

1. The rules are slightly different for a left behind husband dealing with a WAW and a left behind wife dealing with a WAH.

2. In general don't pursue but to keep the door open, WAWs do need to feel that there is some spark of interest left in LBH. The occasional reaching out first email/call may be good.

3. Pay attention to her menstrual cycle. There are certain points where you contacting her will be received very positively and others where she couldn't care less (A bit hard for me to do with the long distance but still a new one for me).

Any thoughts on these?

[Mat]

This is consistent with what I heard from my coach. But how to implement? In one resounding success story, Thornton went full dark for a while and things started happening quickly when he sent her just one text. I am not sure how I am supposed to handle this either though.

I am scheduling a coaching session to talk about just that to check out my thread late this week. Happy to figure it out together in the meantime!

[Anders]

Good to hear another voice! Thanks for dropping in Mat.

A tough one to figure out and very curious to hear what your coach advises you. It feels like a game of chess to me right now. I don't think it is a coincidence but my mum also offered the same advice: reach out occasionally but without coming across as being over eager or pursuing.

I am re-reading Divorce Remedy and Michele does reference scenarios like mine and some advice which I am mulling over on how best to apply:

1. Push their positive buttons: I forgot about this but she mentions this specifically as a technique to try. The base being that we do know what makes our significant other feel good and we should leverage that.

2. Make the most of every interaction: Underdog reiterated this advice.

My sense is that it also comes down to being detached and having a self confident approach,e.g. in my case playfully reach out but without the expectation of getting a reply back.

[Anders]

Weekend update:

Great weekend spent with friends. One couple in particular have two very adorable kids. They were one of the first to know about our situation and asked how W was doing in a very non-judgmental way.

For those of you with kids, you are showing incredible strength.

The kids wanted to see me drive away and were excitedly waving. Kids have a remarkable way of living in and enjoying moments. Definitely made my weekend to have an adorable fan club.

[Anders]

I contacted a Retrouvaille chapter to get their advice on how best I could propose this as an option for W and I. The lady I spoke to was open to having W contact them if she has any questions.

Anyone here who has taken this route and has advice on how best to bring this up with your spouse without pushing them further away?

[Anders]

Update: W appears to be increasing contact via text the last couple of days. She reached out to ask if I wanted her to forward me a bill for me that she received or if she should just read contents and let me know the contents. I said she could.

She then followed up a couple more times about two other pieces of mail with the same question.

Her primary love language is Acts of Service: Is this her way of reaching out?

[Anders]

Advice on EA: W has had two EAs that I am aware of in the last two years.

However, there is a third that has been ongoing since before we met. Today, this is really stirring in my mind. And doubts about whether or not I am burying my head in the sand about the reality of our situation. I need some outside perspective.

Before we met, W had a strong emotional connection with a married man. OM's wife found out and OM said they could only be friends. W was devastated for a long time. It was about a year after this that we met.

They stayed in touch on and off with W reassuring me that she no longer had any attraction for him. That they were just friends. However, I read a message from OM telling W that he had opened a FB account for the sole purpose of following her life. His W did not know. He did not leave any comments or posts but followed up by phone to catch up.

When W moved away for work a couple of years ago, she sent him a probing note to find out if he was available. He said they could be friends but he could not tell W, nor her tell me. The communication moved to phone after that.

Just before my WAH phase, I told her in MC that based on the way she treated me, I felt like I was only there in the M as a placeholder and to pay the bills. She would spend a lot of time on her computer, staying up late in the night to work. I knew there was more to this but at the time made the mistake not to push her on this.

Right now I am really regretting this.

Should I tell OM's W about this?