Wife in MLC and getting ready to leave #6

[LoisB]

I should clarify:

I see you reading a lot into what W does, says, thinks, feels, etc...

IF you can go to the party and let all that go, then I agree with FY...Go, enjoy your family. Just don't put yourself in a position where you are looking for some sign of ANY kind. It was a really nice gesture of your MIL and it's wrong to allow W to dictate your choices...however, you seem to be reading a lot into W's actions/comments right now. Protect yourself first from more rejection and more obsessive thoughts...build a solid wall around your heart if you go.

Just my .02.

[Matt165]

Well hello everyone,
Went to the party with my W and girls. We all went together in the same car. I drove to her house and we went in her car. I had fun. None of her relatives were anything but nice and supportive to me. I had very little interaction with my W while there and talked mostly to the kids on the trip and my w was usually part of the conversation. No incidents, she said nothing that really upset me.

We even stopped on the way back to buy some things for her house and the girls. My W did tell me that she STILL isn't sleeping. She wakes every night at about 3:30 AM and gets up for work at 5:45 (even though she doesn't need to be there for hours). Part of her reason for leaving was her anxiety and inability to sleep which she blamed on me. It seems that she is already not getting the benefits she thought she would by leaving. Of course that doesn't make her think one bit that she made a mistake. She is having way too much fun playing "teenager with first apartment and daddy loves me this time". None of her relatives understand what she is doing or why. That means nothing to her as she doesn't care what anyone thinks but her father.

All in all it was a good day. Didn't lose my cool at all, not once. My W tells me when I ask when I can expect to have my D's come back to my place that she wants to bring them tomorrow and that way she can pick up more "stuff" and can bring them with her. She also said we need to find a "half way point" between my house and hers for pick up and drop off. She is VERY business like when talking to me. Never talks about anything really just small talk and logistics of the kids. Hardly looks me in the eye.

Nothing bad happened. Good thing was I felt very good that everyone there at one point or another told me that they still consider me part of the family and love me. Got nothing good from W but didn't expect anything so that was neither good nor bad.

One thing is certain. She has absolutely zero 2nd thoughts about her decision to leave and I didn't expect her too. I find it funny that she had expected to go off her meds the day she moved out and she still can't sleep through the night because she's still anxious. Next she will find (as soon as the fun of getting her new place together and her dad paying attention to her) I expect the depression will rear it's head as well. Not my problem anymore except as it concerns my kids and her ability to take proper care of them. We will see how that sitch progresses down the road.

I feel pretty good. Still have many things hanging over my head but it's nice to know I can be around my W and not be at all effected by it. At least for now.

[ForeverYoung]

Matt, I'm so glad you made it to the party and had a good time. Also that her family still loves you. (who could blame them? )

"Hardly looks me in the eye."

Your W is still deep in crisis, and likely will be for some time. Doesn't mean she can't make her way out though. I know you understand she needs to do this on her own.

[Matt165]

Thanks FY,
I actually would feel better if my W WAS doing this "on her own". The thing is she has given up her life to her father and is doing what HE thinks is best. Even as far as him telling her where her bed needs to be in HER room. For a long time post B-day (while she still wasn't sure she wanted to leave and before her dad came to our state) she was starting to get into horoscopes! She started to really believe in the power of the stars to tell her what she needed to do with her life! She would go on and on about how she is looking for advice and that was just as good as any other scource!

I see her doing things she never would have done and I know are things her father would tell her to do. I feel like she has decided that she is going to allow him to take over because she knows with him, unless you do things the way he wants you to, he will cut you out of his life (like he did with her brother and how he refused to be a part of her life when she wouldn't leave me and the kids). It just feels like this sitch is extending her MLC and causing more damage. I know it's her choice to do the things he suggests (like how my D19 said she heard her mom say to him over and over that she didn't want to get a lawyer and file but relented when he kept insisting!) but without his influence she may not have actually done many of the things she has.

Of course none of that really matters. She is doing what she is. Yesterday she brought my D14 back home and once again, loaded up her car with all kinds of stuff that really doesn't belong to her! From the only iron we own to the ice cream maker to frozen food (beef) from the freezer! I just don't get her. She even took the plastic tray that I have the laundry stuff on and got angry when I told her that I was using that. She is just so weirdly selfish! At the same time she still has the closet in my room full of her clothes that no longer fit (I really could use that space to get organized) and 2 book shelves full of her books (most of them for her work) and again I could use that space for MY things. She's in no hurry to get that stuff. I think it may be time to tell her that she can no longer just take stuff out of my home and the rest of the stuff she thinks is "hers" will need to wait until AFTER the D is final.

Need to get back to making money and moving forward. I need to get my IRS stuff squared away this week for sure. I know it's not the end but until I get this started and send what they asked for the longer it will take!

[LoisB]

I actually would feel better if my W WAS doing this "on her own". The thing is she has given up her life to her father and is doing what HE thinks is best. Even as far as him telling her where her bed needs to be in HER room.

Matt, none of them do it ALONE. I've been struggling with the fact that Smokey, as far as I know, has been living with OW for a year in the apartment I helped him with the downpayment. This is a year on top of the time he was already living with her in our neighborhood. For some reason, this has been hitting me hard...I'm imagining how many times they've had sex...now, it should be routine...How he gets in bed with her each night with the same routine he did with me for 20 years.

I know what you will say...Heather, dwelling on these facts, imagined or not, doesn't help me, does it?

Dwelling on HER insanity doesn't help you either. It stinks...plain and simple. It just does. But, it's what we have to deal with today.

Of course none of that really matters. She is doing what she is.

Bingo!!!

Yesterday she brought my D14 back home and once again, loaded up her car with all kinds of stuff that really doesn't belong to her! From the only iron we own to the ice cream maker to frozen food (beef) from the freezer!

I think it's time for some boundaries about the stuff in the house. She will continue now that she feels it's ok. Your home is not an outlet for her to come shop and remove items at her will. I'd talk to your attorney. I can't remember if you hired one? I remember you were looking...She left the marital home. She CANNOT continue to come and take things as she likes. She needs to make a list and present it to your attorney...if there's anything left. Lol.

I think you need to do this for your own dignity and self-respect. Taking action will ease the pain of her leaving.

I'm glad you went to the party and enjoyed yourself. I'm so glad you received some encouragement and support. I hope you're proud of yourself for going and holding your own. That's HUGE!!!! And, you didn't dwell on her shid. :-)

[Wonka]

Matt,

Glad to hear that you were able to enjoy a "normal" family outing with the ILs and DD. Not an easy thing, but it is now checked off. Survived it! You're just fine.

Now for the W. If you are really concerned about stuff being taken out without your consent, there's a reason for a L. Not sure where you stand with that right now.

As for making more money, we've given you suggestions on expanding your networking efforts and perhaps landing a more financially secure job that offers you a steady stream of income.

What are your priorities? Seems you've taken the focus off on some important stuff.

[Matt165]

Hi Heather and Wonka,
Must really s%$K to have the ex living with OW in place YOU helped him pay for. Unreal how they think. You are so right about never doing this alone. Of course they will do whatever they have to to find someone who will back them. I think that's why so many MLCers end up with people that are so unlike anyone they would have even noticed in the past. As for the lawyer, yes I have one. Up until now I really didn't want to keep much from the house but you are right about her "shopping". It actually occurred to me after Sunday's little "shopping" spree (taking beef from the freezer!) that it's time for her to start doing this the "right" way, through the lawyers. Especially since she wants to keep ALL the stuff that we BOUGHT from her grandmothers estate sale because it's "her" family stuff. I asked a couple of her in-laws about their thoughts on that explaining that I wanted to keep a few items but it's their family stuff what did they think. They all said that there was nothing wrong with me keeping any of it. They each pointed out that I have been a part of the family for 20+ years and still am as my D's are blood relatives. This is going to be a sticking point with my W, I am sure of that now and I'm going to contact my L today and see how I can keep the items I want. Legally I am entitled to keep half of the things we bought. My W is using that it's just not "right". Well, neither is what she is doing!

Wonka, I've taken your suggestions and have been making a lot more and am keeping things open and contacting some other companies. I was able to make enough in the last month that I'm now talking to the money guy about starting a regular salary as well as the large commission that we get now. I did well enough that I got a large bonus for my efforts already. At this point I wouldn't need a large salary, just enough to offset the time between projects. I have made enough that I don't have to worry about living expenses for several months. Still not enough to pay for the private school on my own but there is the ability for me to make large amounts of money quickly in this business. I don't know if you saw my post but a week and a half ago I got notice that the IRS is auditing me. They are holding my refund from last year until that gets done. I really need to get that out of the way (at least the first part of getting all my papers together) ASAP.

You are right about losing focus somewhat. Last week my W did some pretty rotten things (like show up at my house when she didn't think I would be there, with her father no less to take some furniture) that got me off kilter somewhat. I had been feeling good and wasn't as angry until she started pulling her stuff. Well, my D14 is back home and I'm beginning to feel a bit better again. I'm also less upset about the IRS and have relaxed about that as well. I figure there is no use worrying about what MIGHT happen and just get the process started and see what happens.

[Matt165]

Hello everyone,
Well, D14 is back at home and I brought her dog. The house feels much better now! Got a call last night from MIL. My W's Grandmother's birthday (actual day) is today and she invited me and the kids to come to dinner at the home she is staying. W will be there as well. I asked my d14 and she is up for it but D19 can't make it (starting to worry more about her living with boyfriend. She is spending less and less time at either my or W's home and mainly staying with BF and her GF that has been staying with them as her father through her out after grad. Long story there!). I figured why not go. I think it's nice that my D14 goes and she's with me so why not? I handled the party well, I'm sure I can handle this as well. I'm not going to let W stop me from doing things that I want and I love her GM. I've been part of her family for 21 years and I'm not just going to disappear from her life (GM that is)

I just got the notice that W has had her mail sent to her new address. Figured that was coming soon. Hopefully my W won't say anything that is upsetting since we will be with her GM (who still doesn't know about her leaving!). I really need to start doing more "fun" stuff as the last week or so I've really gotten away from it. There is a fun sounding Meetup Friday going to the local horse racing track. Think I'll do that! Also when her mom was at home the last few years, she wouldn't let D14 have friends come over for sleep overs. Part of her "I hate where we live" mindset. I'm trying to get D14 to invite someone over on the weekend. Maybe go to a movie or rent one or something like that. My D is just so used to NOT being able to have friends over she just doesn't think about it.

So, will see W tonight. Only contact I've had with her was a text the other day telling me that gas was really cheap at Sam's Club! I thanked her for letting me know and that was it. Other than when she comes over to pick up "stuff" or the party, I've been totally dark. Let's hope all goes well.

[CharlieBrown]

Matt,

Great attitude about going to MIL's and living your life! I think the fun stuff idea is really important for you, but your idea on allowing D14 to do some things she couldn't before is even better! Good job on focusing on your priorities and GAL!

CB

[Matt165]

Thanks CB!
Went well tonight. Had dinner with MIL, D14, W and W's GM. My W kept bringing up stuff about her new house and I just listened and said "Uh-uh"..a lot! Seems the dog she took with her has gotten so bad he now gets in the shower with her! She is seriously thinking about getting him on anti anxiety meds! Well, she's on them, why not the dog? I made a point of looking directly into my W's eyes when she spoke. Funny how she just can't look me in the eye but for a second or two! Weird!

While I was there my D19 called me on my cell. I could tell my W was bugged as she never calls her mom. Not my sandbox. My D19 asked where I was and when I told her she got quiet and asked me to call her back when I got home. Umm.... Turns out she is seriously thinking of staying at her boyfriends because now that her mom won't help her pay for school or a car (we were going to help her get a used car after she grad from HS but can't afford now that W has left) she can get a job and take a bus to class from his place but can't from here because we're out in the country. Thanks so much for waiting until we could get this done and D14 in private school before running away, W! It really bugs me the way W just doesn't give a da&% about anyone but herself! Not only that, the only time she is "happy" it seems is when her daddy is telling her how proud he is of how "empowered" she has become! She just bugs me so much!

I made sure not to linger and was the first to say I had to go leaving W standing on the sidewalk as I got in the car laughing with my D. Felt good to see her looking at me and waving good-bye! On a bad note I had to tell my D14 tonight that her mom had filed. She knew she left but had no idea that she filed for D. I told my D14 and also that at some point soon she may have to decide who she lives most of the time with (I got a call from my L saying that they need to know what agreements my W and I had come to. None so far but it seems her L is pushing so I felt it was time my D14 knew.) My D14 was shocked but took it well. I made sure she knew I only want what's best for her and I want her to have her mom and me both in her life. I will always be available for her and will never stop her from seeing her mom if she stayed with me and I'm sure her mom felt the same.

For all you LBS's out there wondering if it's harder when the MLC is still at home, for me at least, it's been easier since my W left. I still get angry and hate being alone, but all in all I am much better able to detach. Of course I'm no closer to "saving" my M but with an MLC was that ever really possible until she got through the tunnel?