The fear of not being good enough at so many things is so ridiculous. I mean I really thought I was never good enough, for W, for kids, for friends, and so much more. I write down last night that try to see what you are good at, and build from it.
I noticed how good a dad I really was, and how much they really do love me. Even though I messed up a bit, even in M I was good at things, doing my part if housework, doing things to keep W stress free on occasion. I can take that and move it forward.
Now I can't lie, the detach thing is still hard right now, I notice I am checking phone some days more often than not to see if she texts. I'm trying to break that habit, keep phone on silent and such. I do feel a lot better today about trying to just go dark as far as I can for a while. I pushed so much junk down her throat early, and even recently, if I don't try something new I will lose the battle before it even starts. I did have feelings last night of betrayal and loneliness because she left. But I am trying to deal with those one at a time as they come.
I keep thinking that it's all over anyway, but that if I don't at least try what's the point of ever have done it in the first place. Even if it's over at least I'll know I can maybe be better for the next one. That was a fear too, not finding another love to replace this one, but I write down that no matter what it's not replacing anything, I had a great time in that R, but can make a new one just as good and better if I want too. Just have to work on that desire!!
