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Since I have posted the basic story maybe some one can give me some advice. If I wanted I could contact this military persons command and they more than likely will charge him with adultery and he can be thrown out of the military which in my opinion he deserves. However I feel that he is not the real problem. The real problem was the effort I put into my work and did not pay attention to my wife for a lot of years during our marriage. By doing what I need to do and improve myself I am now a much better husband and I give a lot more time to my children and their happiness. Is this the way I should be doing or is there something I am missing. My wife has commented on the changes and in fact she cannot believe the amount of change I have made. She does not seem to understand that the changes are for me and our children and if she wants to continue this EA I am fine with that and she can leave anytime she is ready. I see a lot of hesitancy in her now that went from a sure thing she was leaving to well maybe this other guy is not that great. What do you all think am I on the right track?
Is your W also in the military? If so, would she not also get the same punishment for adultry?
Personally I would not go down that road...vendettas against the guy who your wife had an A with. What would you have to gain by it?
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
As much as he might deserve to be thrown out, I don't think this is the way to go. It might feel good in the moment, but there's a very real possibility that it will anger your W. and drive her to him even more.
Plus, as much as you're hurting right now, I don't think this is the person that you want to be. If nothing else, consider whether the person that your W. would be a fool to leave would carry out this kind of action.
Keep working on the things you're working on, and make sure that some of the are quite obviously for you (perhaps something for yourself with no clear benefit for her?)
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Megan, Your post are my thoughts exactly. I really don't want to give this SOB the satisfaction of even acknowledging him and I feel it would be one of those things that are opposite of what I am trying to do. I am trying to make me a much better man and hope that my wife will come out of the MLC and Affair Fog and see what a very good man she has standing before her. If she does not change then I also want to be prepared to accept the fact that she will no longer be my wife. Since we have three great children it will be impossible to avoid her for the rest of my life so I just want to make sure I have made every effort to save our marriage and if it fails then I can stand before her with a clear conscious and know our marriage was meant to fail no matter how hard I tried.
Me:64, W:51 S:22,D:18,D:17 Married:23 DA 1/2012 ILMWF
Pilot, Thank you. I also feel the same. If you read my reply to Megan you can see I realize that doing the report thing would only make me look bad and controlling, which I feel I have never been. All I want at this point is to make sure I am a good father to my children and a man my wife would be crazy to leave. I also want to make sure I am doing things for me in the process. I have started volunteering to teach English to Local Japanese people and have started taking better care of myself. I take time to make sure my mind is in the right place and I am trying to avoid any chance that I will see any of the emails again.
Me:64, W:51 S:22,D:18,D:17 Married:23 DA 1/2012 ILMWF
Hello Everyone I am back. I have read as much as possible on the blog and I am getting the concept of the 180. I have basically been trying to not pay any special attention to W. However I feel she is still lying to me about the EA, I think they are still contacting each other via email. My wife has a smart phone and it is pass code protected and I cannot see what she is doing. I have come to the conclusion that if that is what she wants then so be it. I am not going to waste any more time worrying about the stupid EA. A counselor told me that I should look at it as if it is a cheap dime store romance novel. I did make it clear that if there is any more physical contact I want her to pack her bags and leave. I am also teaching English and meeting new people. My W seems totally disinterested in anything I do I guess I will just have to keep making time and doing things for me and basically forget about her wants and needs during this time in our marriage. I have come to the conclusion that if my W wants to make a go of this marriage I am more than willing to give it my best. I also realize I cannot change anything about my W. All I can do is make me a better person with or without her so I am not going to wait around like a little lost dog any longer I am getting a better and more full filling life for me.
Me:64, W:51 S:22,D:18,D:17 Married:23 DA 1/2012 ILMWF
Here is a link to another military stitch that I think you would benefit by reading. This man, his W, and the OM were in the military. Even if you aren't military, I think the advice and this man's experience will help you.
