I read a lot of posts about another user yesterday but I can't remember his name and therefore can't find the posts. He talked about being co-dependent. If you know who he is or can link to that thread, it would be greatly appreciated! I wanted to look at the book he mentioned.

My W likes to be in control of ALL her relationships---her friends, work, events, and me. I know that now. I think that's why the smallest nothings become acts of hostility for her, like when anyone tries to have their own life or their own boundaries.

I'm not criticising except to say I can only work on me, I know that. I just don't think she'll ever work on her. I'm not happy when she is controlling to the point where she gets upset if every person doesn't read her mind, so to speak. I see it more with her other friends and the people she manages at work, but it also happens to me. It just makes it harder to be in love with her sometimes.

For example, working on me, getting a life, exercising----I was walking the dogs last night an hour early when she drives home---she had been out drinking with a friend, nearly hit us when she didn't stop to turn right at a stop sign. She doesn't WANT me to get a life----I have one, mind you (hobbies, friends, events, etc.) but the more I want to do it's like the more she harbors resentment for me not being available all the time. That part is very tricky.

I'm happier with me, that's for sure! I'm less happy with her now, though. I can't change her, I understand that. My therapist suggested I lend my wife one of the books I've been reading, but I am afraid my wife would first take offense to it and second never really read it, or if she did, it would be to try seeing what I'm doing wrong. It may be inaccurate, but I'm still afraid to do it. My wife thinks I have depression. My therapist swears I don't. I am better about not being anxious around my wife now, but it seems she thinks the problems are all me.

I'm not saying I'm not without fault. I wasn't the best I could be and I made mistakes but I'm never going to pretend they were her fault alone again. And I'm working on me, and loving it! I just don't know where the marriage going to go. It seems like it's getting worse the more I like being me again and having more of my own life. I keep a happy face on (which is easy to do since I'm happy and sleeping better, etc) and I DO enjoy being around her, I just never know when she's going to be upset with me and really how to react to it-----I feel like it's wrong to get walked all over, but I don't want to argue with her about things either. When she's upset, I try to listen and understand her point of view rather than fix it or explain anything. I'm better at that now, but it's like she almost deliberately gets upset at irrational things, like talking to my twin brother on the phone for the first time in weeks while waiting for her to show up at the bar----when she did, I got off the phone, didn't argue, listened, but it doesn't make me feel better or love her more, know what I mean? I WANTED to say, "I just needed to talk to my brother, is that bad?"

So the whole night she got drunk and then went to bed without saying goodnight. When I asked, she said she wasn't angry. I left it alone, but OUCH, it still hurts, and I don't love being around anyone like that, know what I mean?

Tonight we're supposed to go out with her friends again and there's going to be a lot of drinking. On one hand, my stomach is killing me. On the other hand, if I don't go I'm a bad guy, right? So I'll go and I'll have as much fun as I can, I just feel like sometimes I'm faking it and she's always in charge. I don't want to get drunk tonight. I'd love to be SOBER with her for once on a Friday night and watch a movie, just once, just us. I'm apprehensive about tonight. She has another friend coming into town and they're going to get drunk which is when my W is the most mean and forgetful. She gets the most upset when I don't get drunk with her.

I'm talking about her a lot again----I do that here, don't know why, but mostly I think about me, talk more with my friends, and work on getting better. My therapist says she is very proud of me, which makes me feel great! She's helping me build us a plan to do an art show with the new local Maserati dealership. I love visiting my therapist and I enjoy talking to my wife about it, and she likes listening, too. That was two days ago, then yesterday it felt like a 180 on her part. I'm not sure what to think, really. It makes me want to do MORE things on my own, to GAL more, but the tricky part is that's what bothers her the most and I don't know what the balance needs to be for me GAL'ing versus being there for her and being her party buddy, know what I mean?