Since I'm not getting much response here I have been reading a lot of other stich's on here. Thorn, your stich has been an eye opener to me. The smilarties are eerie to say the least. As far as how we acted both before during and after R.
I to use to to say well I will just leave then, all the time threaten to walk out. I finally got a handle on it, but the damage was done like you said. I am also a control freak, from my dad leaving and his family leaving us. I want to be in control of everything, I gave up money control, I wasn't very good at it anyway, but trying to control my W, by being mean, saying things I didn't really mean at all, and trying to make her feel like I felt on the inside. And yes it was the fear of losing her and not wanting to that literally drive me mad.
I am deep down a very nice, caring and giving person, but I hid it away to try not to get hurt by it all. Always thinking it was a time bomb that could go off anytime. Not me, but her wanting to leave me. I never felt good enough to deserve such a good woman. I didn't think I could keep up with everything she wanted, and needed in the M, and in the end those fears controlled me to no end.
Facing these are the hardest thing to do period. Her leaving was a by product of all those fears culminating in a person I wasn't proud of, and worse a person I was despising very much. It wasn't even somuch I was mad at her as much as it was at me for being that guy. I don't know if I will ever get her back, she has to deal with her things about me and herself first anyway. Am I scared of losing her still yes, but it's waning when I focus in all the stuff I swore not to do, but was to scared to stop myself from doing it.
I think I might finally understand why and how I got here. Now to try and fix those issues within me. I wrote down a lot if stuff on oaoer last night about my deepest fears and what they meant to me, and why they are there. I only got to number 8 of 25 in about an hour and a half of writing, my hand starting to hurt. Funny how I can type all day now, but writing is a workout.
Thorn, I hope you see this and take the real thanks that I have for being willing and open to sharing what you were feeling and what you did. It's really helping me to understand more and more. And thanks to all those peeps that posted on his threads. The advice and stories were just as good and helpful as if I were right there talking to you. I have a vivid imagination and I try to picture the people as I read something, always been that way with books, huge James Patterson fan. Thanks again for all openness!!
