Wife is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT IV

[sandi2]

Dev, I sent a very long post yesterday, but I don't see it anywhere. I was trying to reply to the questions Wonka asked and also your request. My stitch was very different in that my H did not have the tools LBH'S receive here. As far as I know, he never tried to get any. It was also different in that I, the WAW in an A, was the one who reached out for help on this board. If I had not received the information and guidance I did, I don't know what kind of mess our lives would be in now.

I had no desire to work on my M, nor any positive feelings for my H. I made the decision to end the A and stay with my H simply b/c it was the right thing to do. I went through months and months of withdrawal and grieving the OM/A. I had a lot of health issues I was dealing with at the time, which added stress to our stitch. My H would not agree to see a MC, so my therapy was coming here every single night until I couldn't keep my eyes open. It was two years before I could begin to feel different toward my H. I don't usually tell that to posters b/c it is so discouraging for them to hear. And when I say feeling different, I mean not being so bitter with resentment toward him, and learning to respect him and trying to find some middle ground where I could stand to live with him.

The one thing he did do that was critical, he backed off. He stopped pressuring me. And even though he didn't know what a transparency plan was.....I did. So I took the lead there and kept my computer activity, etc., very open. I know he checked, but it was okay b/c I no longer had anything to hide. When there is nothing to hide, a spouse should not be defensive and want their privacy from the other spouse.

He was very patient, b/c that's his way. If it had been the other way around, I doubt I would have been as kind. But it took a hard toll on him, and his health took a big hit. He has steadily gone down ever since.

I am suspicious anytime a W suddenly leaves her affair partner and gets real cozy with the H. B/c I don't think it's that easy or simple. She has to have time to get through the withdrawal and deal with her issues. I know I was a mess for a long time, and I think your W has more problems than I had! I have a hard time believing any woman can jump out of one man's arms and into the other's arms.......and be authentic in her feelings.

Just b/c an A ends is not an automatic reconciliation for the M. Now some women do return to the H out of a need of financial security or to claim her position in the home again, for the kids sake, or other reasons. But I highly recommend that couple have ground rules in place and both agreed upon it before any such move is considered. And, I think it is critical to find an excellent MC or FT to help restore the MR. I don't believe the average couple can successfully get back to the place they need or want to be without professional help. The couple is suffering from battle fatigue and dealing with a lot of wounds. They are too fragile to handle it alone and expect success.

So, back to your W. She seems to have made it rather plain where she stands regarding a R with you. But I think you are confused about her warming up and being nicer? Unless I missed something, that's all I see that has changed. Here's my take on it......don't be suckered into anything just b/c you are seeing a shift in her attitude, personality, or manners. It is like a menu......subject to change at any time.

One reason alone I would be suspicious is her wanting to go on the family vacation. But she is quick to tell you not to get excited b/c it doesn't mean anything for the two of you (not her exact words, but same meaning). But here is the thinking of a WAW. She doesn't want to be your "wife" but she wants the benifits. To me, it's old school stuff for girls. Act nice, kiss up a little, and get him eating out of your hand. Then get what you want, and afterwards, drop him again and go do your own thing. Cold hearted? You betcha! Any middle school girl knows how. Yet, it is still the number one thing that makes LBH'S stumble all over the place and buys it every time.

Please be very careful. You just told her you would not be her friend, and what does she do? Proving you wrong! Proceed with extreme caution. Continue to act indifferent. Don't be an a$$, but show a polite tolerance & indifference. Sit back and just watch to see where she goes with it.

And the vacation deal? You will have to decide about it. I just hope you don't get set up for a let down. WAW's are famous for it.

I do have questions about you both going to this FT. What is goal? Is it for both of you, or just her? Is it to lean how to co-parent, or reconciling?