1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Bond- thank you. I don't have good replies other than to say that I reread your posts frequently and sometimes ask what you would say when I'm going a little crazy in my head.

Tonight I moved most of my stuff into plastic storage bins in the garage. I don't have a place to move in to yet so the deal was I'd tuck it out of the way until that happens. Never fun. Just another bullet to any denial defense I still had going on. But not that bad either. I'm learning D is something we can get through. It's just not something I'd like. I will stick to my plan of growing from my mistakes and see what happens.

Frankly there are times when I don't care anymore. I'm not pretending I'm detached. It's just that while I made horrendous mistakes in the marriage, it was still difficult for me as well. I may have been wrong but didn't make it feel any easier at the time. So although I intend to grow from it the relief from the struggle isn't lost on me. There are times when I get a little bit dismissive about the whole situation thinking it's not worth fighting for someone that is that uncommitted to a relationship, but I know the truth. I blew it, and that's just me trying to sour grape myself from a tough loss.

I'm fairly confident we'll have a good partnership raising the children. Once the expectations of her making me happy are eliminated I am a pretty easy guy to work with so the positive is we won't be destructive with each other. And of course I'll be trying to grow into the husband only a fool would leave. With me that may be a long time, but no excuses, I'll do the work and see where it gets me.

The good news is I am growing as a parent. When I was younger I was too absent. Then I became the 'fun' dad, playing games and watching movies but not really developing them, etc. That's one of my 180s, and I can see it happening. My son is going to a summer school and is having a hard time making friends. Instead of playing games all night I was able to have him open up to me about it and I gave him some good ideas on how to try things differently. I taught him that people want to talk about themselves, so instead of trying to get people to listen to and understand him, he needs to ask questions to get them talking about themselves and he'll be meeting people in no time. Then we brainstormed different conversation starters and I had him write them down. Finally we role-played and took turns pretending we were trying to meet new people. Hey, I'm a professional sales manager, I guess I'm just used to training that way. But it can't hurt. I'm going to call him tomorrow and practice over the phone. And of course I reminded him that it's not going to happen overnight, it will take patience, rejection, etc. And it won't come easy. So I prayed with him to have discipline to practice, courage to try, and resilience to continue to know he was loved by God when it didn't work the way he wanted.

So I've been sad, detached, discouraged, and excited about my new life and opportunity to grow all in the same day. Welcome to life I guess. Good night all, and thanks for the support.