Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

Journaling: Today was rough. I woke up too early again, in a fog of early morning panic and sadness, and spent the morning dwelling on what ifs. I did take advantage of a lunchtime meditation class, though, so I could get out for a walk and away from the apartment for a couple of hours.

Rather than sitting around all afternoon, I also went out to have tea with a friend and catch up. For the first time, though, I was reluctant to come home. Even with everything that's been going on, it's been nice to know that H. is here. Not so much today. Maybe it's just my perception, but things feel different - kind of tense - and I was really nervous about coming back again.

The last three days it's felt like H. has been quieter than usual. Today, I got one word answers the very few times I engaged him. I slipped once and asked if he was okay because he's been quieter than normal. He said yes, he was just reading something and I let it go at that rather than pressing like I usually would. It's so easy to slip into old habits when he's here all the time, though. Hopefully I develop more awareness and forethought over time so this happens less and less.

There are only four days left until H. leaves, so I want to make the most of them by looking good, being cheerful, getting work done, spending time away from the apartment, and supporting his trip. I have a day trip planned with a friend on Saturday, and running group on Sunday morning, but I think providing a bit more space would be a good idea. Although I don't think I've been obviously down or upset, I feel like I could be doing better.