What to Do III

[Ben2010]

Well thanks CSan. I am still new at this too. My emotions get the best of me plenty of times just like they do everyone else on here though. I am no stronger than you. I have also made plenty of mistakes in doing this and am still learning alot. Since Thorn listed what worked for him I will mention a few things too I guess. I dont have as much as he did.

1)Pray everyday sincerely. If you dont have a faith of some kind, I would suggest finding one. It helps tremendously. It will comfort you when nothing else will. Lets face it, most of this is out of your hands. I pray for my Ws healing more than anything still. I created her pain and I need God's help to get her through this.

2)Never initiate any calls/texts/emails. As much as I wanted to the whole time, I didnt because I knew that it would set me back. This of course changes for those of you that have kids.

3)Always be upbeat during any interaction. Never let them see how much it is bothering you. Dont hold on to the conversation unnaturally. When its time to say bye, say bye. Always first.

4)GAL is super important. Find something to do that takes your mind off of your situation. You have to take breaks from dealing with this or you will lose your sanity.

5)NO SNOOPING LOL. This is sooo hard to do, but dont do it. I backslid a lot because of this. No matter how clever you think you are, it isnt worth it. You will either get caught doing it or make things much worse in your own head.

6)Do not bring up the R unless they do first. So many of us know how this one goes. It's an explosion waiting to happen and you dont want to be on the other end.

7)This one is HUGE to me. I am an angry person normally. Control your anger. Do not bite when they are fishing for a fight. They use this to justify what they are doing and you validate all of that by arguing or getting angry. If you can master this, it makes all the difference in the world. It opens so many doors that would otherwise remain closed. Along with this comes validation. Put those 2 together and you have a great chance to deescalate your spouse and start understanding what the real issues are. You may think you know, but you might be surprised if you LISTEN at this point.

8)Read the books. Read 5LL. See a C. All of these sources have strategies to making this work. Not everything in any one of them is a perfect plan for every person out there. You will have to find what works for you. There are many other books out there, but these are the ones that resonated with me.

9)Come here for support. Everyone on here can be helpful. I would never have even made it through a week without some of the insight that has been offered to me on here.

I hope this will help someone out there. Again Im still working at this right now and far from finished. These are just a few of the things for me that have produced positive results in one way or another.