Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

Well, Howdy-do DB world!
It seems like ages since I've been on, but its really only a couple months.

Updates.
S21 still at home, still occasionally "dying" but his anxieties haven't been uncontrolled of late. He briefly had a girlfriend. Briefly. Like, 5 days. Then she went back to her ex. S21 took it philosophically, and life goes on.

D19 still back at home. 33 yr old BF in jail for outstanding warrants. D19 kinda shrugs at the BF title for him. She may have a job - goes for a second interview this weekend. Fingers crossed.

S18A his team came in 4th place for State Track 4X400. He went to Florida on the school trip he couldn't go on last year because of a conflict with the State Meet of 2013. He had a great time and came home "talking" to a girl... He is going to U of Cincy this fall which is of course exciting and bittersweet...

S18B continues to work. Has new GF. Planning to go to U of Cincy in January.

and ... H.
H has a torn rotator cuff that Workers Comp doesn't wish to pay to repair. And for his newest trick, a week ago Sunday he passed out 3 times here at home. (I was at fastfoodland, the kids were sleeping, nobody witnessed this, nobody was there to help H which bothers him tremendously). The 3rd time he may have seizured because he managed to bite a chunk out of his tongue. He has been to the hospital and followed up with the family Dr. and had all the tests and... nothing.

And H's mom has been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome, a sort of leukemia with a life expectancy of 2 months to a few years depending on which type she actually has. Finding out requires a bone marrow biopsy which MIL doesn't want to do.

Oh and OW still present as a text buddy. IDK details and I don't ask. And it matters to me less and less all the time. Not that I'm accepting it. Quite the opposite in fact. But I am accepting that it is what it is. He's a cheater and that's not ok. It has ended our marriage from my perspective. I am separated from my H although we live together...

But something I wanted to share here, especially for newbies. First, some background. H went to visit his parents this week and while there planned to see an old friend. He texted O.F. to arrange details of meet-up but O.F. declined to text ATM because he was visiting some friends and thought texting would be rude. Well, H was having none of that. Told O.F. in fairly decent terms to take a hike. But then H had second thoughts, and FBed O.F.'s wife kind of sort of attempting to make amends.
H texted me this and told me to log into his FB account to read what he and O.F.'s wife had exchanged.

H was trying to explain why he had over reacted to the text situation. He says to OFW.

Do you remember me. Do you know me. Would you think of me as the antisocial one. The quiet person in the room. Because that's me lately. I'd rather end relationships than make them. I don't like people or maybe I don't like me anymore. My wife thinks our meet up is more important to me because I'm in crisis mode and O.F. isn't.

Being in crisis mode is my wifes interpretation. Mine is a little different.

OFW asks, What is yours?

I don't know. Something stronger than crisis. Everything is falling apart
The only thing I can latch onto is that I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't act like who I was.

And that my friends, is nearly 2 years after Bomb Drop. That is the mess that is roiling and percolating in H's skull.

And Jaye? Jaye hasn't a freakin' clue. Just goes to work and tries to keep slogging along. Detaching detaching detaching. Waiting, thinking, not crying too much but not laughing too much either. Breathing, praying, walking.

We continue going to counseling. But IDK about that. H seems to like it. He does 90% of the talking. We have an appointment Monday and I plan to ask the Dr. just exactly what his game plan is. If he has one. Because on session 1 I told him that my issue was infidelity. (Certainly not saying that is the only issue, but that is the only issue that will result in me leaving.) And the A is rarely brought up. H talks about H. Not our marriage, just H. H's troubles, childhood etc. Its like H therapy that I sit in on. And H wants me there. I know, because I volunteered to not be there. SMH.

Take care everyone.

~~Peace~~
~ ~
Jaye