Rebuilding myself from the ground- up

[AJM]

sometimes things just are or just happen. i'm not so sure most things are our own darn fault.

Nero, I am sorry your mother told you those things. That's a horrible way to see the world in my opinion. In the end, they are her opinion of the world at large, and very human.

I agree with you, in the end, what is, is. Not much sense in thinking they are not. That clears the way for the question, "what to do about it?"

I was happily married for almost 20 years. I was married for 20, but that's different I'm a very optimistic person. Almost head in the clouds sometimes. I'm also somebody with a strong sense of right and wrong. You can imagine that it took some time to see things clearly. I do realize I was treated badly, accused of things I've never done (pay the price for somebody else's sin was something I said often for a while) and I'm quite careful about knowing me and the motivations of those around me that I let in close.

It took some time to see things differently. I knew I would, but I resisted. My recent thinking? I wonder what if? What if she hadn't left? What would my life be like? Know what I figured out?

My life would suck at this point, because I would have been with somebody who didn't want to be there, was miserable, and angry and... well the list goes on. And since I can't change it (don't want to at this point), it really comes down to me and how I see things that happen. To me, for me, around me.

It is what it is. It isn't what I "wanted" but it is ok that it happened. It's not without consequence, but I'm not unhappy in general. I'm not happy with how my kids will have to deal with things (and do have to). I'm not happy with the harassment. I'm not unhappy that she's gone or that I don't have to really deal with her. In fact, I've spent years trying to not deal with her or her husband. Murky when you have kids right?

Now my kids are pretty much grown - one in college and one about to head there. It's not that I won't talk to my ex, but unless really needed, I choose not to. It's simply unproductive. I no longer get twisted in knots about it. I do know she is trying to make herself feel better at my expense. I know that her H does the same. I'm kind of the dumping ground of bad emotions for them.

If I let them. I don't but they try often.

What's the difference? I can look back and know I stuck to my values. I know I can look back and see I did what I could for my family. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I tried and that I held up my end of the commitment to all three of them. It gives me great relief to know that.

It is important that I left nothing on the table. It is important that I went as far to the self-deprecating, feel sorry for myself side of things. It was necessary at the time. When it was no longer necessary, I stopped.

For me, that was a lot of the process.

Is there more? Sometimes I find things I thought I dealt with that rear their head. But I find that I can more quickly deal with them and without the emotion of "how could you??" ringing in my head.

I didn't waste my time, but it is time I can't get back that I would have rather spent on other endeavors. I recognize that. I just don't regret it.

That's why I say it takes as long as it takes. The result is the same. The timetable takes a while to play out is all.

The question becomes, how long?

I like simplicity


AJ