Your H is in an EA...whether or not he wants to admit it. Remember, you both met online, you more than anyone know his 'online persona'. You also know that online relationships always appear more perfect than they ever will be offline. While I am not trying to discourage you, you need to be ready to accept the reality of an ongoing EA. Which means he is NOT looking to you for at least his emotional needs, and very likely from what you have said, his physical needs either. In other words, he is in the 'fog' as they call it. You cannot do or say anything to get him out. He is going to have to walk this journey by himself. Now you have choices. You can chose to stand by his side and enable him. Or you can back off, give him the space he wants, and let him see for himself what he is getting himself into. And what he is getting himself into cannot include you.
Now I know I talked about initiating physical interactions and all. That still holds true IF you are at that point in your DB efforts. I am not certain you are or if you are not. Only you know. But if he is continuing his online activity with this 18 year old, odds are you are not going to be on his mind at all UNLESS he thinks he is losing you. Right now, he is cake eating. He gets the 18 year old AND the comfort of knowing you are there if anything should go wrong with the 18 year old. You are Plan B. You need to always consider yourself only a Plan A kinda gal.
Honestly, I’d largely stopped focusing on the online friend. I’m inclined to believe that it stopped at friendship, although he has stated that he gets feeling or worth and support from her, so I definitely see your point and I hadn’t really thought of it this way. I haven’t seen him talking to her at all recently (he hasn’t usually hidden it, and I don’t think he has a reason to now since I stopped arguing about it). Initially, the fact that this was how we met was deeply scary to me, as was his statement that, “well, it’s like getting to know a younger version of you” (like that was supposed to be a comfort), but I think the empathy resulting from my role in the situation and my fears about losing him have largely taken over, and the OW has been on the backburner in terms of the things I’m most concerned about.
I find myself torn yet again trying to achieve something resembling balance. I don’t want to enable him in cake eating behaviour, and part of me does want to fully DB and give him space. I think he has a lot to figure out both with respect to the online friend and with his current issues around his life in addition to whether he thinks things can be repaired. I’m not at the point of initiating any significant physical interactions yet – he’s been so clear about not wanting them with me (as recently as Monday) that I’ve only just started touching him on the shoulder, so we have a ways to go on that. I understand the logic of feelings of losing someone make sense (after BD, that’s exactly what I did to him), but is it possible for someone to be so angry that they just see the DB as an excuse along the lines of “oh, well she’s clearly not interested in fixing this, so I’m out too and it’s all her fault”?
But, like I said, the other part of me feels the need to acknowledge my role in the situation (not enough intimacy, not enough caring for him, and not enough effort taken to fix things when he brought up issues) and to show him that things can be different. I understand why he’s upset and angry with me, and I see that I played a big role in where we are now, so it feels like the 180 here should be demonstrating remorse, validating, caring, and a tiny bit of touching.
Is it conceivably possible to do both?
Hang it all, it’s hard to know what to do with so many variables. I think I’ve confused myself and that I’m not thinking all that straight right now. I’m off for a run and then a long chat with a friend to clear my head…my little bit of a GAL for today.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
