Now while I cannot speculate as to what in particular worked or even where she is emotionally towards me, I can say her attitude towards me has improved dramatically. She is initiating texts, when my kids are with her and I am on FaceTime with them, she will now turn the phone to herself and talk to me about little nothings really. Her texts will now include smiley faces, cute emoticons, she has referred to me as her husband to other people recently, and has in general almost taken a pursuing position. While I do not think I am at the point where she wants to R, I am definitely leaps and bounds beyond where I was 2 months ago.
None of this would have happened if I had not gone NC and given her the space, and the belief I was moving on.
This is great to read, Pilot - very hopeful! I like your approach. I think the space and the willingness to demonstrate moving on sound like good things, and your commitment is impressive.
I've been thinking about what I should be trying with H. I don't know that I want to give the impression of moving on, particularly given my significant contribution to this mess, but showing a better person who is more empathetic, happier, and less focused on him meeting my needs will hopefully be a good start. I think some more space for him to figure these things out would also be of benefit.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I've been thinking about what I should be trying with H. I don't know that I want to give the impression of moving on, particularly given my significant contribution to this mess, but showing a better person who is more empathetic, happier, and less focused on him meeting my needs will hopefully be a good start. I think some more space for him to figure these things out would also be of benefit.
Your H is in an EA...whether or not he wants to admit it. Remember, you both met online, you more than anyone know his 'online persona'. You also know that online relationships always appear more perfect than they ever will be offline. While I am not trying to discourage you, you need to be ready to accept the reality of an ongoing EA. Which means he is NOT looking to you for at least his emotional needs, and very likely from what you have said, his physical needs either. In other words, he is in the 'fog' as they call it. You cannot do or say anything to get him out. He is going to have to walk this journey by himself. Now you have choices. You can chose to stand by his side and enable him. Or you can back off, give him the space he wants, and let him see for himself what he is getting himself into. And what he is getting himself into cannot include you.
Now I know I talked about initiating physical interactions and all. That still holds true IF you are at that point in your DB efforts. I am not certain you are or if you are not. Only you know. But if he is continuing his online activity with this 18 year old, odds are you are not going to be on his mind at all UNLESS he thinks he is losing you. Right now, he is cake eating. He gets the 18 year old AND the comfort of knowing you are there if anything should go wrong with the 18 year old. You are Plan B. You need to always consider yourself only a Plan A kinda gal.
Make sense?
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Your H is in an EA...whether or not he wants to admit it. Remember, you both met online, you more than anyone know his 'online persona'. You also know that online relationships always appear more perfect than they ever will be offline. While I am not trying to discourage you, you need to be ready to accept the reality of an ongoing EA. Which means he is NOT looking to you for at least his emotional needs, and very likely from what you have said, his physical needs either. In other words, he is in the 'fog' as they call it. You cannot do or say anything to get him out. He is going to have to walk this journey by himself. Now you have choices. You can chose to stand by his side and enable him. Or you can back off, give him the space he wants, and let him see for himself what he is getting himself into. And what he is getting himself into cannot include you.
Now I know I talked about initiating physical interactions and all. That still holds true IF you are at that point in your DB efforts. I am not certain you are or if you are not. Only you know. But if he is continuing his online activity with this 18 year old, odds are you are not going to be on his mind at all UNLESS he thinks he is losing you. Right now, he is cake eating. He gets the 18 year old AND the comfort of knowing you are there if anything should go wrong with the 18 year old. You are Plan B. You need to always consider yourself only a Plan A kinda gal.
Honestly, I’d largely stopped focusing on the online friend. I’m inclined to believe that it stopped at friendship, although he has stated that he gets feeling or worth and support from her, so I definitely see your point and I hadn’t really thought of it this way. I haven’t seen him talking to her at all recently (he hasn’t usually hidden it, and I don’t think he has a reason to now since I stopped arguing about it). Initially, the fact that this was how we met was deeply scary to me, as was his statement that, “well, it’s like getting to know a younger version of you” (like that was supposed to be a comfort), but I think the empathy resulting from my role in the situation and my fears about losing him have largely taken over, and the OW has been on the backburner in terms of the things I’m most concerned about.
I find myself torn yet again trying to achieve something resembling balance. I don’t want to enable him in cake eating behaviour, and part of me does want to fully DB and give him space. I think he has a lot to figure out both with respect to the online friend and with his current issues around his life in addition to whether he thinks things can be repaired. I’m not at the point of initiating any significant physical interactions yet – he’s been so clear about not wanting them with me (as recently as Monday) that I’ve only just started touching him on the shoulder, so we have a ways to go on that. I understand the logic of feelings of losing someone make sense (after BD, that’s exactly what I did to him), but is it possible for someone to be so angry that they just see the DB as an excuse along the lines of “oh, well she’s clearly not interested in fixing this, so I’m out too and it’s all her fault”?
But, like I said, the other part of me feels the need to acknowledge my role in the situation (not enough intimacy, not enough caring for him, and not enough effort taken to fix things when he brought up issues) and to show him that things can be different. I understand why he’s upset and angry with me, and I see that I played a big role in where we are now, so it feels like the 180 here should be demonstrating remorse, validating, caring, and a tiny bit of touching.
Is it conceivably possible to do both?
Hang it all, it’s hard to know what to do with so many variables. I think I’ve confused myself and that I’m not thinking all that straight right now. I’m off for a run and then a long chat with a friend to clear my head…my little bit of a GAL for today.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: Today was rough. I woke up too early again, in a fog of early morning panic and sadness, and spent the morning dwelling on what ifs. I did take advantage of a lunchtime meditation class, though, so I could get out for a walk and away from the apartment for a couple of hours.
Rather than sitting around all afternoon, I also went out to have tea with a friend and catch up. For the first time, though, I was reluctant to come home. Even with everything that's been going on, it's been nice to know that H. is here. Not so much today. Maybe it's just my perception, but things feel different - kind of tense - and I was really nervous about coming back again.
The last three days it's felt like H. has been quieter than usual. Today, I got one word answers the very few times I engaged him. I slipped once and asked if he was okay because he's been quieter than normal. He said yes, he was just reading something and I let it go at that rather than pressing like I usually would. It's so easy to slip into old habits when he's here all the time, though. Hopefully I develop more awareness and forethought over time so this happens less and less.
There are only four days left until H. leaves, so I want to make the most of them by looking good, being cheerful, getting work done, spending time away from the apartment, and supporting his trip. I have a day trip planned with a friend on Saturday, and running group on Sunday morning, but I think providing a bit more space would be a good idea. Although I don't think I've been obviously down or upset, I feel like I could be doing better.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Meghan, I think you are doing okay so far. Just keep busy and work on yourself. That's great you are keeping busy letting your H see you happy, going out and looking good. Don't be too hard on yourself this is a difficult time you are going through. Take care
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
Meghan, I think you are doing okay so far. Just keep busy and work on yourself. That's great you are keeping busy letting your H see you happy, going out and looking good. Don't be too hard on yourself this is a difficult time you are going through. Take care
Thanks for the kind words, CSan. It's difficult to see from the outside and seems so natural to worry over every little thing. I've seen the "marathon not a sprint" analogy a few times and I know that it's true, but it's easy to slip into the mindset that after four months (but only a few weeks of active DB, I suppose) that I should be doing better.
Admittedly, I suspect that the fact that H. seems to expect that I should have made or be making things better by now isn't helping either.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: I woke up mopey again this morning, but forced myself out for a bike ride and a bit of thrift store shopping. I came home with a few games and books in support of new interests. It was hard getting out and there were some very sad moments, but I think I feel a bit better overall, so that's something.
Unfortunately, I also came home to a spouse who still seems quiet and moody and barely said three words to me. I was cheerful and said I was doing pretty well when he asked how I was, though - I'm working at it as best I can. I'll be showering soon and will put on a new shirt and some flattering jeans, jewelry, and makeup to look my best.
We're supposed to go do some errands this afternoon, but I don't know how well a walk 45 minutes each way is going to work. It could be fine if we find something neutral to talk about, or it could be quiet and awkward and painful.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Journaling: H. still seems mopey and isn't talking at all. I haven't engaged him all afternoon, which seems like a step. I showered, dressed nicely, and have even managed to work with a pleasant expression on my face all afternoon.
Reminders to myself:
- don't assume he's upset from MC despite the four days of quiet afterwards - he may well be, but it could be any number of other things
- even if he is upset, you have no control over him - he feels what he feels
- trying to change how he feels in the three days before he leaves is a fool's errand and will only make you miserable
- he needs space to figure things out - that's what this trip is about and it's important, even if it's terrifying for you
- stating your perspective in MC may not have been great DBing and may not have been as validating of H. as you would have liked, but it happened, it was authentic, and not saying it would have meant lying
- pretty much ditto for stating that you were still scared but understood that this was important, and the subsequent crying
- don't assume that this slip is the absolute breaking point, much as you're panicked that it is thanks to the four days of quiet
- GAL - you feel better when you get outside, look good, and take care of yourself, and you're better able to deal with everything that's going on and work on figuring out and implementing 180s
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
H. and I walked to do errands this afternoon, and as we were walking, he mentioned that a month or so ago someone he used to work for sent him an IM because his company's looking to hire. H. is trying to set up a job interview while he's on his visit home.
H. said that the guy who IMed him works from home two or three days a week. This suggests to me that it might not be a remote job. However, the guy he talked to doesn’t have the same kind of job, so I don’t know if it’s normal that he would be in the office or not, or what would be expected of H.
I'm feeling freaked out now that he's applying for a job that he hasn't specified is a remote position (which is what he says he’s been applying for recently). Of course I want him to have a job and to be happy, and I think it would help him so, so much right now, but the possibility of him leaving scares me all the same. I didn't ask any more about it, because he's previously gotten angry and feels guilty when I try to suss out if a job is remote or not because he feels like I don’t want him to be happy. I just said that it sounded interesting and asked some neutral questions about what the work would be like and what the company does, but the internal freak out is raging on.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Good job of keeping your emotions in check. Better to let him explain and really listen to him. If the job is not remote, does that mean the end of everyhing no! Just mean that things change, and sometimes change is good. Think of it possibly making him happy to have a job. PMA as much as you can about it, think whatever you can thats positive about the stich. I know very hard to do, but will make the news easier if either way.
