I know...I know...you're right...on a lot of things.
He's been so good (unlike me) at not bringing up his past that I never thought he would/could use it against me without my knowing. If he did/has...well, apparently I'm captain oblivious. I was hoping that he would communicate his feelings in the same manner that I do...just get it out and over with. It didn't occur to me that he would stuff it all inside and in turn start resenting me. I mean, he's always the one that wants to talk things through during a heated argument. My short fuse sends me out the door in no time with steam trailing behind me. His insistent on discussing things calmly and logically just felt like I couldn't have my feelings or wasn't allowed to be angry. It felt as though he was telling me what to feel or when to feel it. Consequently, I became more resistant and even more determined to get my point across. I didn't want to feel like I didn't have a voice so I asserted myself--apparently at his expense.
Enough about that. I had a great DB coaching sesh with Chuck today. It really help put things in perspective. Helps to have another man's POV. He told me what wasn't working and what needs to change. Against my conviction he stated that signing the S papers would show my H a different side of me. The "me" that shows cooperation, paying attention, listening, caring, and compromising. And, that it would not mean that I'm advocating D but it would show him that I'm listening to his concerns and taking him seriously. How the path to D progresses from there would be in his court. It sounded so counterintuitive but that's exactly the point of 180. Why is it so hard for me to get this?! Wouldn't it be great to wake up and have a coaching sesh every morning? My IC and attempted the skype thing today but he couldn't figure it out on his end...lol. Hopefully it will work tomorrow.
The abandonment thing...I knew I had it but it had a different suit--loneliness. For the longest time I've felt lonely and even when things are going well it just hits me when I least expect it. I couldn't explain it before and I would share my feelings with my H...you know, just talking through my feelings and it didn't hit me until now that I'm afraid of being left behind. I experienced a lot of traumatic events in my childhood and adolescence that has led to my fear of being abandoned. The more I experienced it the more I mistrusting of people I became but I didn't know that this is what I was doing. Kinda sad that it's taken this long. I feel horrible for the messy trail I've left behind me.
Now, I understand why my H feels the way he feels. Instead of trying to rack my brain and put reason and logic behind his action(s)--I've accepted his decision. I don't think he wanted to be here but felt that D was his only recourse to be happy again. I wish I knew that he was unhappy and wish that he told me in plain and simple terms..."i'm feeling unhappy and i'm thinking about leaving you. Please help me get through this or show me that i'm wrong for feeling this way." If only... That would have set off an alarm but here we are.
Now despite all that I still don't agree with his behavior. I may understand his taking an action but I'm no means condoning his crappy behavior towards me. I suppose this is where GAL and detaching will play a vital role in maintaining my dignity and consequently my sanity. If I'm truly detached then his words and actions won't have such a debilitating hold on me. I will learn to listen and show empathy not for his sake but for mine knowing that it is a gift to afford to others. My faith you ask? I have faith that The Lord will see me through as he always has with or without my H. But yes, if I knew without a doubt that I would be happy in 5 years it would motivate me to chug through this. Thanks to your words of wisdom it has motivated me.Thanks Obi-Wan! However, tomorrow is another day!
For anyone who has contemplated on coaching...just go for it. It offers good info parallel to the DB/DR techniques that will help you with your situation. Unlike IC, your coach will actually offer practical suggestions on how to approach your spouse that will help you get closer to your goal or at least help you get your mind right.
