I applaud your commitment and I know that it will eventually be the thing that really sets you apart and helps you heal completely. Had you walked away a long time ago, you wouldn't have that benefit, T. Also because of not walking away, you're having to deal with the loss now instead of completing that years ago. Had you walked years ago, you would have always wondered and had difficulty finalizing the healing and growth from the experience. You'll be glad you did what you did.
You are right AJ, I am glad. I can move on without any lingering "what if's", and that is important to me. And my kids.
This "journal entry" will be a bit rambling...
W and I had an very good couple of discussions yesterday. She validated the heck out of me, what I have done the past 5-6 years, and through all of our marriage. That this wasn't me, she sees that now, her IC helped her quit blaming me for everything. She acknowledged that she knows very few men would do what I did. I amaze her.
Some of the highlights from her brain:
-When we met, she hadn't had the experience of being alone and on her own, making mistakes and figuring out how to deal with life, etc (true). She was barely out of her parents when we moved in together, and me being who I am, a good man, always had her back, always bailed her out, etc.
-She always relied on me and how smart I am to figure out stuff, she needs to learn to do this for herself, but even if she stayed and I didn't help, she would look to me to help, and be mad at me for not helping, though she didn't want me to.
-She needs to grow the heck up and become a confident, capable, independent woman, and when difficulties came, she knows she would look to me to help her if we tried to stay together now. She is tired of having the knee-jerk instinct to run, she needs to figure this out without anymore damage to the family. Her words.
-She needs to figure herself out and what she wants her life to look like before she can even be in a R with me, or anyone (has she been reading here? lol). Her empathy is back and she doesn't want to mess up any more lives and continue to hurt me and the boys.
-She knows she is giving up a good man who loved her deeply and would do anything for her. She does love me very much. But she knows inside herself that she has to do this, this way. Though she is very scared.
-She apologized deeply and earnestly for the h3ll she has put me and the kids through the past 3-5 years, her actions and words (her words).
I told her, after thinking about this a lot the past couple weeks, searching my soul, that I agree with her, and I do.
Those were the interesting highlights, she validated me in a lot of things both from standing and the whole R. We talked about my mid-life transition, and how her's commencing snapped me out of mine. She knows she blamed everything on me these past 3 years, and she knows that she was wrong now, that she had a part in the M issues, especially not speaking up until it was a major issue, for example.
There was a lot more, I found it bemusing how much she still hasn't remembered of her words and behaviors... She admitted she is starting to remember some "things" she said and did, and I praised her and validated.
I also discussed how even IF she wanted to reconcile, with the kids starting a new school, and the "re-training" I need to do there, and just jumping back into the stresses of family life, that it wouldn't be good for me, or the kids, or her, or the M, with where she is at right now, to move back in. Everyone needs some stability and calm to make this transition. And that I like the peace in the house right now, the tension went out the door with her when she moved out, and she said she knows....the boys have told her, and she realizes it's truth.
I am feeling (and thinking) okay about letting her go and find herself. Very okay. It is the only rational thing to do.
And I'm at peace.
Though I still am cycling through these feelings, more and more I stay in acceptance and peace mode.
The anger is almost completely gone, and I do not resent her, or that my my stand "failed". No bitterness.
Job, you are right, there will be a time when we can become friends, with enough time and space between us and this particular journey.
While I'm missing the past some, I am looking forward to my future and whatever it may present to me, more.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
She admitted she is starting to remember some "things" she said and did, and I praised her and validated.
