Trying to find my way

[Meghan]

I am not a psychologist but referencing my own experience, it sounds like he is going/did go through a depression. However, take my observation with a grain of salt as it is easy to throw labels onto people and situations.

He’s actually made this point himself. He thinks he was depressed this past winter, although I wonder if it might have been longer. My IC wondered if this might be the case, too. He hasn’t seen anyone about it, though. I suggested he do so when this first came up, after the BD, but he said he was fine now.

I agree with you, lack of sex may have been one of the starting points but is most likely no longer the primary issue. If he is responding positively to your touches, that is great. If he initiates sex, go for it. As mentioned here by others, sex is a great connector/bond enhancer and there is research to back up why this is. But for now let him initiate. If he asks you to back off, do so. As you will read in the book, experiment to see what things work for your situation.

Right now, the primary issue appears to be intimacy in general. He feels that I haven’t tried hard enough to take care of him and make the marriage a priority, and that I didn’t try to fix things when initially asked.

For the touching, I didn’t really see a response, per se, although after months, I can’t imagine that he didn’t notice. He didn’t draw away, though, so I’ll see what I can work in today. I’m just trying to be subtle and natural about it. I was hoping he’d initiate touching when he was ready, but I started to wonder after Monday’s claim that I should be making the changes without his input whether that would happen and if I should be waiting anymore (he’d never said that before, so I didn’t know.) I’d been keeping a journal to track these things, but didn’t for a few days – I should get back to it.

Our partners in this situations are afraid of dropping their guard only to be hurt again. You are on the receiving end of a lot of anger and hostility which I don't think is right. But for now, empathy may help to see that he is scared and that anger/negativity may be his way of building up a protective wall, even though it is not necessarily right.

I can certainly understand this. Of course, the easiest thing to do seems to be (on the surface, anyway) explaining your position, but that’s not the kind of thing that works. So, I’m trying to build empathy by reading and understanding more so the next time that he raises this, I’m in an even better position to validate. He’s actually described his resentment as a wall, so I suspect that’s exactly what’s going on here. Given that one of his original things was that he said that any changes had to be long-term, I imagine that he’s scared, too. I suspect that this is hard for me to remember sometimes when all I see if the negativity and anger without really looking at what's underneath, so I'm going to practice this more.

IMO, the fact that he is still here and talking about his frustrations is a good sign, within the context of the situation. If he was really done, he would have left already.

Gosh, do I want to believe this, but in our previous counseling session, when I said I was scared that he wouldn’t come back from his trip, he said that he’d have to come back because he has no job and no place to stay long-term. I suppose he may have been working more on the wall of negativity, and I know I shouldn’t trust what he says, but that one really smarted and dashed a bit of hope.

He has his own journey to go through to hopefully realize that ultimately he is the one responsible for his own happiness.

This is another central thing. He’s really not happy with me, but he’s also really not happy with himself, too. I hope he comes out the end stronger and happier, and hopefully stronger and happier with me, too.

Welcome to the club! A lot of us are in the same boat. I am still struggling with this. It is much easier said than done. Wayne Dyer's 'The Shift', on YouTube, really helped me to understand the incredible sense of peace that comes from letting go, detaching. He talks a lot about the need we have to control things in our lives and why this often leads to pain. And he talks about how this shift is different for men and for women. Unfortunately, for most of us, we have to experience this lesson many times over the course of our lives before we really get it.

Thanks for the recommendation – I’ll definitely check it out, and will get myself back to some mindfulness practices. I’ve spent most of my time these last few months thinking far ahead to the future and imagining every awful possibility, and I need to try something different.