I agree. Until I started reading recently, I didn’t understand how devastating that rejection could be, particularly since I was the spouse who just didn’t have any desire for a long time. And although it’s the central issue, I think it goes somewhat beyond the sex, too. Extra weight, lack of a job, and lack of friends have all been weighing on H. recently.
You will make it through this Meghan. One day at a time, one step at a time. Learn from the things you felt went wrong. Acknowledge your part but then forgive yourself. You need to to allow for the healing to happen.
I am not a psychologist but referencing my own experience, it sounds like he is going/did go through a depression. However, take my observation with a grain of salt as it is easy to throw labels onto people and situations.
Originally Posted By: Meghan
This is pretty much why I’ve been so hesitant. He’s made it clear quite a few times – this past Monday was the latest – that he doesn’t want any of the things that he said he wanted before from me right now. I intentionally touched him on the shoulder a few times today, and that felt like a giant step. I’m hoping there might be room to ease back to it. In our last MC session, he said that I should be making changes but that he shouldn’t have to offer any suggestions, because he’s already done more than his fair share of work, so hopefully the tiniest bits of touching (hasn’t happened in months) can serve as a fairly inoffensive start.
I agree with you, lack of sex may have been one of the starting points but is most likely no longer the primary issue. If he is responding positively to your touches, that is great. If he initiates sex, go for it. As mentioned here by others, sex is a great connector/bond enhancer and there is research to back up why this is. But for now let him initiate. If he asks you to back off, do so. As you will read in the book, experiment to see what things work for your situation.
Our partners in this situations are afraid of dropping their guard only to be hurt again. You are on the receiving end of a lot of anger and hostility which I don't think is right. But for now, empathy may help to see that he is scared and that anger/negativity may be his way of building up a protective wall, even though it is not necessarily right.
IMO, the fact that he is still here and talking about his frustrations is a good sign, within the context of the situation. If he was really done, he would have left already.
