Dealing with WAW Part 2

[pilot]

Thank you very much sandi for your time and input.

Hey Pilot. Sorry, I just saw you flag me down on another post. I have gotten a little behind the last few days. I scanned through this thread to get a review. I'm not clear about the plans for relocating, and it doesn't sound like you are either. Has she implied she would be moving to live "with" you, or just living with the kids in the same area? But then she says something about looking at schools near her parents, right?

I am NOT clear as to what her intention of relocating is, nor am I clear on if that includes any sort of moving in with me. Her texts use the words "we" when discussing it, but that could mean anything. 2 weeks ago, it seemed she was ok with the idea of relocating to where I am so the kids can go to school in this area (better schools). Now it seems she is set on staying where she is now with her parents. That threw me for a loop, and puts the potential for a confrontation on the table. After some reflection, I think the most possible reason for her wanting to stay where she is stems from economic reasons vs. any kind of reaction to anything I have done. She most likely does not see her as being able to make the move to relocate here. Just speculating though. However, if I am correct, in the best interest of the kids, it would help knowing this as I would be able to work to rectify the situation to ensure the kids are at the best schools.

Since she has not clarified the status of her A, I would move with caution. Especially since she dropped this about possibly living near her folks. She seems to be warming toward you, and this could be a positive.....but be on guard. There is much that needs to be resolved, yet. This is a fragile period when the WAW begins to show more friendliness.

Absolutely correct about being on guard. This is where I get 'lost' as I am unsure of her motives, and thereby unsure of how to proceed. She has not discussed the A or any R issues. So far all of our contact has been mostly benign but friendly, sometimes borderline flirty on her part.

By her kind of taking over the face time and turn in on herself, and the sudden increase of texting, etc., I tend to think she really misses you being there as her friend. So many LBH's mistake this gesture as her wanting to reconcile the M. She may want to only reconcile the friendship! So, proceed with extreme caution.

Yea, its the misses me as a friend part which worries me. And I believe I eluded to this as I do not want to be friends if she still has OM in her life. But I am not able to verify or even ask about it as per DB protocol. I have not concluded she wants to work on the M or R yet. The most I figure is she is testing the waters to see if I am still around, or as you say, trying to be friends. I was hoping your 'trained' eyes would help spot which path she was headed.

I suggest you continue to wait on her to initiate the contacts, unless of course, there is something important regarding the kids. I also think it would be wise to be a little less available. Like when you are out to dinner, etc., you could turn off your phone. It is a balancing act between being nice/ tolerating and indifference. You don't want to come across as cold & mean-spirited, but you cannot afford to pursue her or get gushy over her contacts. If you start initiating a bunch of contacts, she'll get disinterested and withdraw. You cannot pressure her with too much of "you", know what I mean? She has to be the one to really "work" and "run" her a$$ off to catch you this second time around.

I have continued to require her to be the one to make contact. But your idea of becoming less available seems a valid one, and I will work towards that. I probably did get caught up in hindsight in the rush of contact she was making. Now pulling back a bit seems a wise thing. Thanks for bringing that up!

Don't make it too easy by trying to "help" her catch you. Yeah, you can leave the road paved smooth by not placing a lot of barriers there, but she still needs to be the one to travel down the road to get you! A WAW who's had an A, would like to avoid conversations around OM/A, or see a MC, or anything unpleasant for her.....and just pick up with the M and continue on. I don't advise any couple to do that. Have a plan and an agreement in place....before you ever agree to live under the same roof with her.

I agree completely about not helping her catch me. I definitely will require discussions about the A and assurances it is over before any R can proceed. Where I was confused and was hoping for advice was about the time our S began , I pretty much went from begging/wanting to work at our M, to slamming that door shut in her face, and followed it up with NC, then appearing happy without her and lots of GAL and 180s of which she has noticed. I just wanted to make sure I was able to ensure she knew there was a path back in the first place.



Again, thanks for your time Sandi. Your input is ALWAYS appreciated here!!!