sorry to read of how you feel. you have loads of company here! Like you, I too am working on GAL.
I have only one child but am carer for ill elderly parent - and a house with never ending responsibilities. I am typically exhausted after all is done. I have been meditating a bit, but am interested in learning about what you will do for you. What works for you?! Keep us informed as we exchange differing strategies to deal with 'blindsided aftershock', in a desire to continue with healing and personal growth. Take care, p
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
In the GAL department, I signed up for a wine tasting tomorrow night, and signed up for a 5K with D16 for September. It's a start. I had coffee with a friend today, and have lunch with a friend scheduled for tomorrow. Neither of them know.
I am beginning to feel like I should let him move out. Not that I have the power to stop it anyway, but both times he's asked for a separation, I've said "no" and he's stayed. I am beginning to think that maybe it's the way to go. Let him miss me a bit, give OW some time to turn into the nag I'm not. I was trying to protect the kids, but nothing is happening, we are at a standstill. Any advice on that one?
I am beginning to feel like I should let him move out. Not that I have the power to stop it anyway, but both times he's asked for a separation, I've said "no" and he's stayed. I am beginning to think that maybe it's the way to go. Let him miss me a bit, give OW some time to turn into the nag I'm not. I was trying to protect the kids, but nothing is happening, we are at a standstill. Any advice on that one?
Anyone have an opinion that separation is helpful or not? I have been reading about controlled separation, where the spouses agree up front to certain terms regarding duration, finances, dating, and agree not to file for the duration. I think it's something I'm going to propose to H after this next (and final of the summer) family vacation. Any opinions?
My personal opinion is I'm in favor of it. My W proposed it last Feb and we discussed it before she decided she wanted to work things out. Then BD #2 last Sept and no controlled separation. That's only led to miscommunications on finances and dating with no defined date to re-asses our R. You'll be left waiting in limbo until H is ready to talk R. I'm still in limbo almost 10 mos later....
I'm not up to date on your sitch though, so it may/may not be the right solution.
For me S was the best thing that could have happened to me simply for my own sanity. It has also allowed my W to truly have the space she needed. No clear answer yet what the long term results are but up to this point if do the S every time if given chances to do things over
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I think I would be questioning and resistant to a S in my own situation, but from the inside the tendency is to try to cling and control. S feels like the opposite of that, so it's hard. But maybe sometimes space is what people need to figure out who and where they are, and if they don't think they're getting it, my guess is that it will only make things worse in the long run.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Sigh......OK, sounds like it could be a positive thing. I am fearful of telling the kids, guess I need to talk that one out with IC or MC. Not sure how to approach it with H, should I ask him to read the same book that I am reading (he's not a big reader), or just propose the idea myself? Kids and I are leaving for a final family vacation on Sunday, then H joins us a week later. Ironically, it's to spend time with his family, whom I love and have a great relationship with. Not sure whether to wait until after vacation or bring it up before so he has the week alone to think about the terms. Of course, he won't really be alone, he'll be with OW. Grrrrr.....
Just to clarify my earlier comments- I'm in favor of a controlled S as opposed to just a S without defined boundaries/guidelines.
I understood you, Tarheel. I don't want a separation at all, and I've said so the two times he's asked. But I'm trying to head off a situation where he just walks out with no plan. We actually get along very well right now and generally see eye to eye on house, finances, kids. I don't think it will be that hard to spell out the terms ahead of time, but if we don't take that step then misunderstandings and egos will get in the way of what could be an insightful time apart. If I have to endure a separation, I want there to be some clarity at the end of it.
Any advice on how/when to bring this up? Before or after family vacation? Read the book or just discuss? Email OK?
Any advice on how/when to bring this up? Before or after family vacation? Read the book or just discuss? Email OK?
I can only tell you that my W sent me an email with 10 or so 'topics' to discuss and some of her preliminary thoughts (ex- who lives where, dating each other/others, family time, no filing for D, etc). This is taken from her email- The basic premise is a trial separation but with very clearly defined terms that we would put in place. The object is to live apart and get a taste of what your life is like without that other person and your usual routine. The hope is to clarify what you mean to each other.
She then asked if it was something I would be interested in. If not, we'd need to discuss options that I was willing to try.
If you decide to take that route, I would enjoy vacation and present it when you get back. You don't want that awkwardness hanging over you during that time.
Like you, I too am working on GAL.